Countdown going critical!

So getting down to roughly 10 days left till I start my detox. And certainly feeling the crunch. In more ways than one.

The first way is feeding off that "need" to use facebook as communication. Getting this feeling like if I stay on long enough, this person or that person might wanna chat. Disregarding the fact that I have other things to do or that it's 12:30 at night. Thank you to my sister Katie for basically kicking my butt off of Facebook last night.

It's also counting down the days till the next round of fight tests. In this next round, I'll be attempting to test in all 8 weapons tested by the Society of American Fight Directors. This includes unarmed, singlesword, rapier and dagger, quarterstaff, longsword, smallsword, broadsword and shield, and knife. That will be 8 different choreographed fights with scenes which is usually crazy to do all at once. 3 or 4 is usually a big amount. 5 or 6 is being an over achiever. 8 is insanity. Not just for the person testing, but for their partners, the teacher choreographing these fights, and for the adjudicator judging the scenes. And there are 4 of us trying to pull this off this time around.

So if I forget to say it between now and test day, thank you to Ian Rose for dealing with this craziness and choreographing all these fights. Thank you to Oliver Donahue, Jacqueline Holloway, Martin Boresma, Laren Williams and Kathryn Roper for partnering with me in this craziness. And thank you to J. David Brimmer for when you see these fights.

This experience has also brought to the fore front the all of the issues with me still living in New Jersey with my folks. Because all of my partners are in Philly, they have an easier time getting together to practice. Because I work 8-4:30 5 days a week and I have to drive 30-45 mins just to get into the city, I can't practice any time of the day. Because most theatres rehearse during the day, I have a harder time being involved with a production. I could go on and on with this, but no need to make anyone else nauseous from all the complaining. Long story short is that I need to move out of my folk's house and out of Jersey. The question now is where to move.

All of this being said, these are just different reasons why I think I use Facebook as an escape or a distraction. When you don't let yourself think about the things that seem tough, you don't really find out what you can handle. You end up pushing things to the back of your mind. "Oh I'll worry about that tomorrow..." the motto of the procrastinators of the world. And all who've known me for long enough know how much of a procrastinator I am. Hence why I need to take this break from Facebook...don't give myself the distraction and the things that seem tough are forced to the forefront. Time to focus on moving myself forward instead on what everyone else around me is doing.

And mentioning it because I don't just want to focus on the negative, here are some good things I've been doing. I saved some of the money I made from those film shoots and recently deposited them so I can pay for a fight skirt made by Siobhan Richardson from Toronto. I plan on paying for my registration for the Winter Wonderland Workshop within the next week or so. I believe I recently got hired to teach a Saturday drama class for the international students attending the New Jersey United Christian Academy. The film shoot I mentioned is with a production called "Philadelphia: The Great Experiment" filmed by History Making Productions. With that production, I got cast as a principle actor in the role of Armagott Printz.

So good things are happening. It's not all doom and gloom. But those good things do not discount the need for things to change. So, in the next 10 days, Facebook is for coordination for the upcoming fight tests. Once those tests are done, it's off facebook till March. Still makes me nervouse, but I know this is something that needs to change. Only way to move forward right now it seems.

COUNTDOWN TO FACEBOOK DETOX-- 10 Days.

Making Friends with Fear and Failure...

So it's been roughly about a week since I made the decision to ween myself down and eventually take a break from Facebook...and the weening has not been going well. I think part of me is anticipating the eventual withdrawl and wanting to amp up the Facebook time. Even now, I have a Facebook tab open and I keep glancing at it to see if any new notifications pop up.

But if I hadn't been on Facebook this morning I would not have found this great link.
Make friends with Failure

It's a comic strip from this artist who does motivational comics. I have a feeling I will be reading through these a lot in the coming months.

But this one in particular caught my eye this morning. I had just been talking about this with a co-worker who has been helping me a lot lately. Talking to her about how I'm pretty sure one of my biggest sticking points has been fear of failing. Fear that I'll be broke. Fear that I'll disappoint the ones I love. Fear that I will not live up to the expectations and asperations I've set for myself. And then my co-worker said something I really really liked...

FEAR stands for "False Evidence Appearing Real".

And that really got me thinking this morning.

What am I truely scared of? I'm sure there are MANY more things I'm scared of, but here are three of hte first things that popped into my head...

1). Scared that I will fail with money.
      -one of the reasons I am going to work on making and sticking to a budget for the next few months. In the past when I wasn't so experienced with money and the day to day expenses, I was not good with money in the slightest. I always looked at the short term and even today, I feel like I've already planned what I want to buy with my next three paychecks instead of actually sitting and looking at what I can afford to buy at the time. I've been stuck on the instant gratification of buying something new that what I need to save for usually gets pushed to the side. So where is the "false evidence" here?

What I need to recognize is that in the past few years I've gotten slowly better with money and saving. I need to stop focusing on my past failings and focus on the good things I've done. I was able to save (with the help of family and friends generous donations) the money it took for me to go to the Fight Directors Canada National workshop in June 2012 along with the airfare and lodging costs. I saved for the cost of food, transportation, and even for some gifts for family. That was the first big trip I pretty much organized on my own to another country. Could I have done that my first year out of college? Probably not.

So I need to recognize that I have grown, and still have growing left to do. I can't let any more slip ups with money curb me from my final goal of living on my own and sustaining myself. You fall off the horse, you gotta get back up and try again, right?  If I plan and am proactive with my budget, I can be ready for anything.

 Now it's time to stop talking about that and put that sentiment into action. :-P

2.) Scared that I will disappoint the ones I love.
     I've always hated that look and sound of disappointment from my parents and the mentors in my life. Almost breaks your heart. But this should be an easy one to get over.

What they will really be disappointed in me for will be NOT doing anything.  The people who care about me the most really just want me to live my life and be happy. The ones who care what I do, how I do it, or how successful I am really shouldn't matter. So in the end with this one, where I am stuck right now is probably disappointing the people I care about more than if I actually tried something and dropped the ball.

3.) Scared I will not live up to my own expectations.
      We all know the phrase "you are your own worst critic". Well, I am horrible with myself. I am somehow able to always find a flaw or a justification or reason why whatever I did or however I looked was not my best. I have my shining days where I actually give myself credit, but those tend to be few and far between.

I think what's not sinking in is the fact that my expectations and assperations for where my life is going don't have to be set in stone. If I'm open to possibility, who knows where life can take me. That kind of wide open option can be frightening too,... fear of the unknown. But how do you know what you can handle until you've tried.

And what are the expectations for myself based on? I think a lot of them have come from the perseved expectaitons of those around me, how what I want to do should be done. That by a certain age I should have already been married, or had a kid, or gotten my Masters, or gotten to this point in my career. Why should those perseved expectaitons rule how I live my life day to day, or year to year?

And why should I be stuck with one goal to have expectations for? What I've learned and where I've been has given me such a toolbox of tricks and skills that I should be able to mold into various possible tracks for my life to move on. And who says those tracks need to be isolated? Why can't I move from track to track?

There is a gentleman on Youtube who's channel is called ZeFrank who has become kind of a thing and his one video "An Invocation for Beginnings" has stuck with me.  An Invocaiton for Beginnings

As many times as I listen to this video, it brings comfort, but I don't feel like what he is saying has entirly sunk in. I think that will take MANY more viewings and much more time.

Here is a transcript for the video:
Don't call it a comeback, I'll have hair for years. 

 

I'm scared. I'm scared that my abilities are gone. I'm scared that I'm going to fuck this up, and I'm scared of you. 

 

I don't wanna' start, but I will.

 

This is an invocation for anyone who hasn't begun, whose stuck in a terrible place between 0 and 1.

------

Let me realize that my past failures at follow through are no indication of my future performance, their just healthy little fires that are gonna' warm up my ass. 

 

If my FILDI* is strong let me keep him in a velvet box until I really really need him.

 

If my FILDI* is weak let me feed him oranges and not let him gorge himself on ego and arrogance.

 

Let me not hit up my Facebook like it's a crack-pipe, keep the browser closed.

 

If I catch myself wearing a tutu (too), too fat too late too old, let me shake it off like a donkey would shake off something it doesn't like.

 

When I get that feeling in my stomach, you know that feeling when all of a sudden you get a ball of energy and it shoots down into your legs and up into your arms and tells you to get up and stand up and go to the refrigerator and get a cheese sandwich - that's my cheese monster talking. And my cheese monster will never be satisfied by cheddar, only the cheese of accomplishment. 

 

Let me think about the people that I care about the most. And how when they fail or disappoint me I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them - let me extend that generosity to myself.

 

Let me find and use metaphors to help me understand the world around me, and give me the strength to get rid of them when it's apparent that they no longer work.

 

Let me thank the parts of me that I don't understand or are outside of my

control, like my creativity and my courage. And let me remember that my courage is a wild dog, it won't just come when I call it. I have to chase it down and hold on as tight as I can. 

 

Let me not be so vain to think that I am the sole author of my victories, and a victim of my defeats. 

 

Let me remember that the unintended meaning that people project on what I do is neither my fault, nor something that I can take credit for. 

 

Perfectionism may look good in his shiny shoes, but he's a little bit of an asshole and nobody invites him to their pool parties. 

 

Let me remember that the impact of criticism is often not the intent of the critic, but when the intent is evil that's what the block button is for. 

 

And when I eat my critique, let me be able to separate out the good advice from the bitter herbs. 

 

Let me not think of my work only as a stepping stone to something else, and if it is let me become fascinated by the shape of the stone. 

 

Let me take the idea that has gotten me this far, and put it to bed. What I'm about to do will not be that. But it will be something.

 

There's no need to sharpen my pencils anymore, my pencils are sharp enough - even the dull ones will make a mark. 

 

Warts and all. Let's start this shit up. 

 

And god let me enjoy this, life isn't just a sequence of waiting for things to be done.

-----

* FILDI = Fuck it let's do it.

This is a video I really want to internalize and incorperate into my every day life.

So whenever I get scared I'm going to fail...I want to look back at this post and remind myself that if I DON'T fail, I don't learn how to really try again and get better. Seeing how people come back from failure tells you alot about who they are as a person...so I need to find out who I am as a person and see how I bounce back from failure...

COUNTDOWN T-18 days till Facebook detox starts!

Being Strangled by Comfort....

It's been an interesting few days as I try and start weening myself off Facebook. It's been sort of freeing and sort of frustrating at the same time. But for now, here are my thoughts for today...:

So for the longest time, I've been trying to figure out why I've been stuck in the same place for 4+ years. Still stuck in my parent's basement, still stuck at the same job, and stuck in the same routine year after year.

I've told myself many a time that I need out, I NEED OUT, I HAVE TO GET OUT FOR MY OWN SANITY....yet I'm still here. Why?

Candidly speaking, not figuring this out I believe this is one of the reasons I lost several friends and long term relationship. But I will go into those in another post.

I'm still at a job where I am under utilized, I can't stand my co-workers a lot of the time (they have their shining moments of clarity), and it's mind numbing. It keeps me from doing the things I really want to move forward with, and I am stuck running in this hamster wheel until I'm blue in the face.

Then there are days where my co-workers are semi to mostly friendly. Days where I get to talk to soldiers from all over the country with varying experiences that expand my perception of things. Where I can help soldiers find what they need for their families, and have those glorious moments where soldiers come back from deployment and remember you a year later and tell you "Thank You, the resources you gave me helped my family get through this past year".

So I've adapted. I find ways to focus on the little joys in my everyday to help me handle my frustrations with where I work. It's safe. It's routine. It's comfortable and familiar.

I also have a love/hate relationship with money, which probably comes at no surprise to those who know me and I'm sure most if not all of us can say this. My problem is I don't really know what to do with it. I've been told how to budget PLENTY of times by VARIOUS and NUMEROUS people, and yet I'm still not sure how much of any of that has sunk in. At my job I get a steady paycheck which comes twice a week, so I KNOW I have money. It doesn't last long, but it gets me from paycheck to paycheck.

And there it is...paycheck to paycheck. I forget to put money away in savings because I think well, what if something comes up, like car repairs or something with friends. I don't get disciplined with it because I never prepare for things like that, I only react. So I pay the bills I have and don't write anything down to track my spending because I'm not strict with myself on it. "It takes too long.." I'll think.  SO when it comes time to try and create a budget, I guesstimate on most of the numbers and give up after a while when those numbers don't work. I get so black and white about things that I don't give myself the chance to get back up and try again.

There was a period of time when I was at my SM internship and I was making a VERY small amount a week in my stipend. There were a bunch of times where I would be in line at a Wawa or the grocery store and my debit card would come up with that frightening two words... "Insufficient Funds".

The guilt and shame I would feel after that was horrible and I swore to myself I would never feel that again. I've gotten better over the years, but honestly I've gotten to a "comfortable" plateau. I'm not getting any better with money or worse with money at this point. And I think I'm scared of changing where I'm at because I don't want to go back to that.

So to sum things up, I've developed this comfort level with my job because it provides a stable income and I've been able to find the good in what I do and allowed it to outweigh my need to get out. All the mean while I'm slowly suffocating inside with the "day to day" and not focusing on what my passion really is. My day job is my "Job", not my "career". And I am so scared of the thought of failing with money that it has reinforced that wall around my comfort zone to the point where I couldn't really see the way out. Until recently...

I recently got introduced to this blog called Trust Me, I've Been There.... Written by this 26 year old NYC Actress who relocated to Hawaii (still reading it to understand why the move). She started it writing about her eating disorder and the negative body image she had developed while being an actress and dancer in NYC for 10 years. But she has been working on making herself healthy not only physically but mentally in Hawaii. If you get a chance to read it, I highly recommend.

It made me really look at what I use as an escape, and one of the biggest things was Facebook. I would troll through the newsfeed and see what was the latest and greatest thing on the web according to what people posted. I would be uplifted by great stories and funny/cute videos of cats or dogs doing silly things. I would find out what was going on in the world from news articles posted by the politically minded friends of mine. I would let this distract me from the things I really needed to get done.

I also remember for some reason this idea that if I want to break out of a routine sometimes you need a drastic change to really kick your butt in a different direction. Not sure why I remember that or where it's from, but I'm starting to understand it more and more. It's like jumping into the deep end of a swimming cool on one of those summer days where the water is just SOOO cold that it hurts. You just need to jump in and trust yourself that you know how to swim.

I think this is what I need to do in the next few months. I need to step out of my comfort zone and take those big leaps and trust that I'll know how to handle things and adapt.

There are two sayings that have been bouncing through my head the last few days: 1) Discipline is just choosing between what you want NOW and what you want MOST. 2) Life begins beyond your comfort zone.   I think what hit me most about that first one was the fact that even now, I'm still figuring out what I want MOST. So I need to stop talking about what I need to do and just do it. Stop thinking about what I want most and just trust my instincts to guide me in the right direction.

I need to get UNCOMFORTABLE, learn how to adapt to that, and stop putting off what I really want most. Because we only get so much time to do the things we love,...why waste it?



COUNTDOWN T-19 DAYS TILL FACEBOOK DETOX.

Hi...My Name is Terri and I'm a Facebook Addict...

So I recently decided to detox myself from Facebook for a while...90 days to be exact. From December 8th to March 8th. Recognized how stuck on Facebook I was.

Been active on there since 2005, when it first came to Arcadia University and the options on there were posting pictures, Poking people and WAY before the newsfeed became such a thing. It was a way to reconnect with classmates and old high school friends and create albums that chronicled your time in college.

Once it was opened to the public, it became a way to connect with family, follow your favorite celebrities, play games with friends and get almost up to the minute updates about how the world was doing. Messaging became more like chatting with someone, and it became a way to network professionally.

I'm not saying Facebook is a good or bad thing...I'm saying my personal reliance on it has become a not so good thing.

 A friend of mine (and I can say friend in the true sense of the word since I know this person outside of facebook) once stated it outright, but I had seen it and heard it a bunch of other places. Our online profile has become where we put the best possible version of ourselves out there. We clean up and craft our profiles just right to hide any possible character flaws that we may see. We post our opinions on there about world events as if putting it on Facebook is going to put it right in view of all of the big wigs in Washington. We post funny videos because we want to share them with friends, yet some of the time we're even in the same room with these people. A lot of people have gotten to the point where we actually get depressed or anxious when what we post doesn't get the attention we hoped it would.

I've gotten to the point where it will actually bug me until I find out how many "likes" or comments I've gotten on a particular post. Even as I write this, I keep wanting to open another tab on my window just to check my notifications or messages. And I've realized that this obsessive tick has actually distracted me so much that there have been days at work where I get nothing done because I obsessively continue to check Facebook. I will stay up till quite late at night, lying in bed, absentmindedly scrolling through the newsfeed to see what I might have missed in the last 20 mins. This is not a good thing. Not when I'm 27 and still living in my parent's basement.

So I'm giving myself this challenge.

Come the end of the day on December 7th, 2013, I will be doing the following:

1. Stay off Facebook for 90 days.
       --(90 from Dec 8th is March 8th...just in time for my birthday on the 12th!)
2. Actually sitting down and reading this stack of books I've had building up for years.
3. Making sure I get to the gym at least twice a week
4. Get to sleep at a decent time
         ------ (11:30, midnight ain't cutting it anymore)
5. Manage my money better
        -----(Terri! Check out www.bettermoneyhabits.com)
6. Continue looking for new job and new place to live
7.  Clean out all the material crap that has built up over the years.
    -----(For some reason I have a hard time getting rid of things.
           Not full blown hoarder, but mild pack rat.
           But that stuff builds up and it's time to clear out the clutter)

I think 7 tasks is a good number...keep it a lucky number...*shrug*

My biggest obstacle with staying off Facebook will be at work. Working at a day job where I sit in front of a computer all day, bored out of my mind with the data entry stuff, will drive me up a wall wanting to distract myself with what's going on with Facebook. But I need to remind myself that work comes first. I could be doing plenty of other things too, like looking for jobs or apartments or reading scripts or anything else.

So this is my challenge to myself for the Christmas season then New Years then into Valentines Day. My hope is by my 28th birthday in March, I will be in a new living situation with a new job, and well on my way to saving for the many places I want to go to in the next few years. More on that in future posts. For now, signing off.


OFFICIALLY T-24 DAYS AND COUNTING TILL FACEBOOK GOES DARK. (for me at least :-P)