So it's been roughly about a week since I made the decision to ween myself down and eventually take a break from Facebook...and the weening has not been going well. I think part of me is anticipating the eventual withdrawl and wanting to amp up the Facebook time. Even now, I have a Facebook tab open and I keep glancing at it to see if any new notifications pop up.
But if I hadn't been on Facebook this morning I would not have found this great link.
Make friends with Failure
It's a comic strip from this artist who does motivational comics. I have a feeling I will be reading through these a lot in the coming months.
But this one in particular caught my eye this morning. I had just been talking about this with a co-worker who has been helping me a lot lately. Talking to her about how I'm pretty sure one of my biggest sticking points has been fear of failing. Fear that I'll be broke. Fear that I'll disappoint the ones I love. Fear that I will not live up to the expectations and asperations I've set for myself. And then my co-worker said something I really really liked...
FEAR stands for "False Evidence Appearing Real".
And that really got me thinking this morning.
What am I truely scared of? I'm sure there are MANY more things I'm scared of, but here are three of hte first things that popped into my head...
1). Scared that I will fail with money.
-one of the reasons I am going to work on making and sticking to a budget for the next few months. In the past when I wasn't so experienced with money and the day to day expenses, I was not good with money in the slightest. I always looked at the short term and even today, I feel like I've already planned what I want to buy with my next three paychecks instead of actually sitting and looking at what I can afford to buy at the time. I've been stuck on the instant gratification of buying something new that what I need to save for usually gets pushed to the side. So where is the "false evidence" here?
What I need to recognize is that in the past few years I've gotten slowly better with money and saving. I need to stop focusing on my past failings and focus on the good things I've done. I was able to save (with the help of family and friends generous donations) the money it took for me to go to the Fight Directors Canada National workshop in June 2012 along with the airfare and lodging costs. I saved for the cost of food, transportation, and even for some gifts for family. That was the first big trip I pretty much organized on my own to another country. Could I have done that my first year out of college? Probably not.
So I need to recognize that I have grown, and still have growing left to do. I can't let any more slip ups with money curb me from my final goal of living on my own and sustaining myself. You fall off the horse, you gotta get back up and try again, right? If I plan and am proactive with my budget, I can be ready for anything.
Now it's time to stop talking about that and put that sentiment into action. :-P
2.) Scared that I will disappoint the ones I love.
I've always hated that look and sound of disappointment from my parents and the mentors in my life. Almost breaks your heart. But this should be an easy one to get over.
What they will really be disappointed in me for will be NOT doing anything. The people who care about me the most really just want me to live my life and be happy. The ones who care what I do, how I do it, or how successful I am really shouldn't matter. So in the end with this one, where I am stuck right now is probably disappointing the people I care about more than if I actually tried something and dropped the ball.
3.) Scared I will not live up to my own expectations.
We all know the phrase "you are your own worst critic". Well, I am horrible with myself. I am somehow able to always find a flaw or a justification or reason why whatever I did or however I looked was not my best. I have my shining days where I actually give myself credit, but those tend to be few and far between.
I think what's not sinking in is the fact that my expectations and assperations for where my life is going don't have to be set in stone. If I'm open to possibility, who knows where life can take me. That kind of wide open option can be frightening too,... fear of the unknown. But how do you know what you can handle until you've tried.
And what are the expectations for myself based on? I think a lot of them have come from the perseved expectaitons of those around me, how what I want to do should be done. That by a certain age I should have already been married, or had a kid, or gotten my Masters, or gotten to this point in my career. Why should those perseved expectaitons rule how I live my life day to day, or year to year?
And why should I be stuck with one goal to have expectations for? What I've learned and where I've been has given me such a toolbox of tricks and skills that I should be able to mold into various possible tracks for my life to move on. And who says those tracks need to be isolated? Why can't I move from track to track?
There is a gentleman on Youtube who's channel is called ZeFrank who has become kind of a thing and his one video "An Invocation for Beginnings" has stuck with me. An Invocaiton for Beginnings
As many times as I listen to this video, it brings comfort, but I don't feel like what he is saying has entirly sunk in. I think that will take MANY more viewings and much more time.
Here is a transcript for the video:
Don't call it a comeback, I'll have hair for years.
I'm scared. I'm scared that my abilities are gone. I'm scared that I'm going to fuck this up, and I'm scared of you.
I don't wanna' start, but I will.
This is an invocation for anyone who hasn't begun, whose stuck in a terrible place between 0 and 1.
------
Let me realize that my past failures at follow through are no indication of my future performance, their just healthy little fires that are gonna' warm up my ass.
If my FILDI* is strong let me keep him in a velvet box until I really really need him.
If my FILDI* is weak let me feed him oranges and not let him gorge himself on ego and arrogance.
Let me not hit up my Facebook like it's a crack-pipe, keep the browser closed.
If I catch myself wearing a tutu (too), too fat too late too old, let me shake it off like a donkey would shake off something it doesn't like.
When I get that feeling in my stomach, you know that feeling when all of a sudden you get a ball of energy and it shoots down into your legs and up into your arms and tells you to get up and stand up and go to the refrigerator and get a cheese sandwich - that's my cheese monster talking. And my cheese monster will never be satisfied by cheddar, only the cheese of accomplishment.
Let me think about the people that I care about the most. And how when they fail or disappoint me I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them - let me extend that generosity to myself.
Let me find and use metaphors to help me understand the world around me, and give me the strength to get rid of them when it's apparent that they no longer work.
Let me thank the parts of me that I don't understand or are outside of my
control, like my creativity and my courage. And let me remember that my courage is a wild dog, it won't just come when I call it. I have to chase it down and hold on as tight as I can.
Let me not be so vain to think that I am the sole author of my victories, and a victim of my defeats.
Let me remember that the unintended meaning that people project on what I do is neither my fault, nor something that I can take credit for.
Perfectionism may look good in his shiny shoes, but he's a little bit of an asshole and nobody invites him to their pool parties.
Let me remember that the impact of criticism is often not the intent of the critic, but when the intent is evil that's what the block button is for.
And when I eat my critique, let me be able to separate out the good advice from the bitter herbs.
Let me not think of my work only as a stepping stone to something else, and if it is let me become fascinated by the shape of the stone.
Let me take the idea that has gotten me this far, and put it to bed. What I'm about to do will not be that. But it will be something.
There's no need to sharpen my pencils anymore, my pencils are sharp enough - even the dull ones will make a mark.
Warts and all. Let's start this shit up.
And god let me enjoy this, life isn't just a sequence of waiting for things to be done.
-----
* FILDI = Fuck it let's do it.
This is a video I really want to internalize and incorperate into my every day life.
So whenever I get scared I'm going to fail...I want to look back at this post and remind myself that if I DON'T fail, I don't learn how to really try again and get better. Seeing how people come back from failure tells you alot about who they are as a person...so I need to find out who I am as a person and see how I bounce back from failure...
COUNTDOWN T-18 days till Facebook detox starts!
No comments:
Post a Comment