So I know I've been absent for quite a while from this blog. Don't know if I can "blame" that on how busy things have been or what. I can't help but feel like I almost let this blog become one of the many other things I've started and not finished.
Part of me is a little scared to try some other things because I don't want to invest the money and time into something I'm going to do for a week or so and drop like a bad penny. I've wanted to learn how to play the guitar and didn't want to start because I "knew" that if I got a guitar it would just end up in the closet gathering dust. Not sure why I've had this string of things I've started and not followed through with. Not sure if it is a lack of discipline or perhaps something else.
I've been told that if I put something out there so others would know I'm doing it, then I'll have to follow through. I've tried this with various things at some points and once the initial excitement died down, I lost interest myself and allowed the momentum I had gathered to died. I think I want to take the momentum I've gathered from this experiment and see what other things I can actually finish.
I want to list on here the many things I want to do eventually: (will add to this post as I remember more)
Get better at Archery (I bought myself a bow...25 lb draw, Recurve)
Learn how to ride a horse
Learn how to surf
Make my own movie
Learn how to spin Poi
Be able to do at least one unassisted pull up
Attain a decent level of proficiency with at least one-two practical martial arts
become relatively decent at Parkour
learn tumbling/gymnastics
Run a half marathon
So moving from what I hope to do to what I have been doing. Since my last posting I've been relatively busy.
Professionally: I'm the fight choreographer for a small indie film called "Written Within", written/directed and produced by Kaylah Fitzgerald in Philadelphia. We had primary shooting in February and will finish up filming in March. I began teaching Saturday morning drama classes for the international students at the NJ United Christian Academy here in New Jersey. This Saturday will be the 5th day of classes and we are aiming for having the kids perform some scenes for the school come April. I was brought in on a staged reading of Julius Caesar which rehearsed last weekend/week and has Tech/Performance next week. (COME SEE IT! MARCH 14th! AT THE ROTUNDA on 4014 Walnut Street in Philly! $10 at the door! 8pm! I DID THE FIGHTS!) I've been officially hired as one of the 4 Journeymen at this years FDC National Stage Combat Workshop! I'm a member of the 2014 cast for the NJ Ren Faire.
Personally: I signed up for bar tending school last week and start classes on April 7th in the evenings. I'm being given every reason to leave my day job and move into philly, but without having the savings or the transition job to make the jump I still am having difficulty leaving. I haven't made any headway with reducing the amount of crap I have.
Really trying not to make this into a "LiveJournal" entry where I complain about how sad my life seems. The summer is looking to be really really busy at the day job on Ft. Dix and there is a possibility they may not approve my leave for the time frame of Nationals. I'm seeing more and more opportunities for fight/theatre jobs on the Philly side of things that aren't a possibility right now with the day job I have.
My friend Ren put it really clearly recently. Everyone says that looking for a new job is a full time job on it's own, right? Well when your already full time job has you depressed and exhausted already, you end up not having the energy to commit to the second full time job of looking for work. SO this is what I'm working against right now with the job search. I am in no way saying that this justifies my lack of search. I think it does give my perspective for now.
The other thing I've been struggling with right now with the lack of Facebook has been the ever increasing feeling of disconnection. Being on my own in Jersey, apart from the connections and people I've developed over the years and without the connection to them through Facebook, it's been hard being in my own skin. Yes, it's given me perspective and motivation, but also it's given me unshakable self consciousness and worry.
I came across the exact example of my worries today. While I was at work today, I really just wanted conversation. Instead of focusing on the mundane data entry, was hoping for conversation to pass the time and distract me from the nagging pain in my back. (Tweeked by back again, not sure how, getting it checked out on Thursday). I sent a few texts to some of the people I've been keeping up with and heard back from a few of them. But most of what I heard was that they were in the middle of getting their own things done or in the middle of their work at the moment and would have to get back to me.
Now I completely understand. Not everyone has a desk job like me and can't sit and chat for a while. People have work to do, so I cannot fault them for getting their work done. I should be getting my work done as well. But more often than not, these are the reasons I refrain from reaching out to others because I often get this kind of response. People have their lives and I can't fault anyone for that. I also have gotten to the point where many times it feels like I'm forcing conversation. I hate feeling like I'm pulling teeth just to talk to someone. So my thought has lately been, if someone really wants to keep up with me, they will contact me.
So what I need to continue working on is really being OK with "being alone in my own skin". Somehow it always seems like everyone else has this answer I have yet to understand. Being OK with working on your own stuff without being dependent on the input or contact of others. The whole "not giving a shit about what others think" mindset. The youtube "vloger" Ze Frank put it really well in one of his more recent videos I found. On Being Alone
I really think that in the end, the human heart needs to touch another heart or else it dies. But being able to fortify that heart so it is strong enough to stand on it's own and touch many other hearts is a whole other ball game. This is what I hope to do. Find ways to focus on making sure I get done the things I want to get done and if I find people willing to stick with me as I work on those things, they are more than welcome to come on that journey. If they only want to stay for a short stint, I will thank them for the time they've spent with me and wish them well on their way. Maybe this is a trust issue, maybe this is a step in the right direction for me to stand on my own, maybe this is a sign of a bigger issue. Who knows. Ze Frank has another great video I watched recently that hit home on many levels. I think I will end my entry with that video. Why Trust is Worth It.
I have 4 days till the end of my self imposed Facebook Detox. I may hold back on allowing myself to come back to Facebook fully for a while. I may come back gradually. I will admit that I have been periodically checking the notifications to see if there is anything important. The NJ Ren Faire folks put updates on their cast Facebook group and the classes I assist with on Monday night sometimes put important notifications on their page. I have found myself relaxing a little once I've checked it (like an addict feeling at ease once they've finally taken a hit after a dry spell). I need to remember the little things I've learned and habits I've developed over the last 90 days. I will probably be back on at the end of this week to try and recap what those things are and where I go from here. Until then, have a great night folks!
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