What defines "strength" in a person? There's the physically strong, the emotionally strong, the ethically strong, etc. But how can you say a person is "strong?
I know that's a weird place to start, kinda outta left field. But not having the distraction of Facebook has certainly forced me to be a bit more "present" than I was in the past few months. Finally sent out that audition email for the 2014 NJ Ren Faire, been getting back to the gym and can consisently do at least a mile now. Might start looking into what it takes to be a Zumba instructor and saving up for that. Looked into the firearm safety classes out on Ft. Dix and came up with the hunting and fishing license class that I'll hopefully be taking in the coming weeks. Took the first step this week in cleaning out some things that I've been holding on to for various sentimental reasons. Will be starting teaching a Saturday morning drama class to the international students at the NJ United Christian Academy after I get back from Chicago. I also believe after Chicago, I'll be heading down to the Baltimore area each Sunday to have some fun with Lewis Shaw in his smallsword class.
SO, getting a lot done and started. But even more so, (and at the risk of sounding like a "LiveJournal/Myspace" entry), I've been paying more attention to myself lately. It's not been a nice thing. But when is it ever nice to look at your faults? Been feeling more disconnected than usual lately. Been really REALLY tempted to jump back on FB, but luckly I've been checking in with a friend every time it's really bad.
People who are trying to quit an addiction usually have some kind of support system, or even just someone who helps them stay on track. Someone they can call or text whenever they have a urge to cheat. Adele Rylands has been a great help in this respect. I'll be really bumming and I'll shoot her a text or email and almost immediately she'll shoot back with a bit of encouragement. So big thanks to Adele!
But even with that, Philly and NYC have never really felt farther. Starting to look around the house and in moments here or there, this place is slowly feeling less like my home and more like a place I'm visiting or sleeping over at. And this is a good thing. It's telling me I'm personally really ready to step out and find that place that will feel like MY home instead of my parent's home.
I could go on for a while with the little realizations I've had here or there, musings, epiphanies, etc, but I wanna get back on track with where I started....Strength.
This time off FB has also given me a chance to look at the people around me. We judge people so quickly on their faults, especially since they are so easily seen as compared to our own. But it's that much harder to acknowledge their strengths and give them credit where credit is due.
I look at my brother, who is 20 years old and is High Functioning Autistic. I look at how much the things he does annoy or frustrate me. But then I look at the little things he says sometimes, and how clever and smart they are. How astutely aware of things he is. I look at the little ways he helps out.
I look at a coworker of mine who is 43 and still has some trouble understanding how to use parts of her computer and acts some days like she is still in high school. Some days she asks some of the craziest questions and says some of the most out there things. But then I remind myself she is one of the most generous people I know. If there is a service member who needs help, she would do anything in the world that she can to help them.
Another coworker who is SO overly apologetic that it boarders on frustrating, but has a zeal for life that it's refreshing. Another who is so pig headed and in your face, but is a no bullshit kind of woman and will call you on yours in a second. A fight friend/sister who seems a little flitty at first glance. Talk to her for more than 5 mins and you see this highly dedicated and motivated woman who has such confidence in herself and the people she chooses to associate with even if those people don't have the confidence in themselves.
Looking at these other people have given me the chance to look at myself in the same way. I recently saw an interview with Tom Hiddleston and he mentioned a bit of advice he was given at one point: "Give yourself permission to succeed."
I know I've heard that from other people at one point or another in my life, but lately I've been internalizing advice like this a bit more readily. But it's so true. I've held myself back at times because I didn't want to step on anyone's toes or stir the pot in a bad way by stepping out. In this field though (performing arts), you have to or else you end up with the audience watching others move forward. Give yourself permission to succeed and take the jumps you need to despite what other may think. Been telling that to myself more often lately and it's gotten me to do a few things I might not have done otherwise.
So those are my "deep" and intellectual musings for the time being. For now I'm going to focus on the things I need to get done. Working on putting together my new years resolution list and making sure they are things that I will actually make happen this year.
Also, on a much less productive note, been kinda stuck on Zachary Levi a lot lately. REALLY want to see him in First Date on Broadway and have been catching up on the seasons of "Chuck" available on Netflix. I'll admit I kinda wish I was Agent Sarah Walker,...she's kinda bad ass. LOVE Adam Baldwin's character. So for now, off to watch more Chuck while I fold laundry and enjoy a nice cup of hot chocolate. :-P
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Thursday, December 12, 2013
Day 5 of Detox--Beware of substitution
So I need to be careful because I'm can see myself starting to substitute other sites in for what I use to do with Facebook. Twitter is getting familiar. Google+ is even looking appealing. I've got points in the day where I can feel myself getting twitchy, wondering what's going on on my page. You know how they say when someone is trying to quit smoking, they have to relearn how to do everyday things again because they are so use to doing it with a cigarette? I kinda feel like that's me to a point right now. I've gotten into such habits with checking Facebook when I get up in the morning and before I go to bed. When I leave someplace, I'll check it on my phone. Need to rework those habits. Now that I recognize what I'm doing I can stop it before I start. CONSTANT VIGILANCE! :-P
Realizing this though made me recognize how much I distract myself with what others are doing. As they say in all of your acting classes..."stay in the moment"...and I haven't been. I've been letting all of these extraneous little things take my focus away from the tasks at hand.
I've gotten into the bad habit of watching others and taking my cues from them on how and when to do things. Have you ever had those moments where you feel like everyone else has had a class or read a handbook on how to be a grown up or how to make relationships work or how to get the job that you somehow missed? I feel like that has been me lately. But thinking back now, it might have been like that because I was so focused on what everyone else was doing instead of focusing on improving myself and moving myself forward.
Despite my twitchiness, I've actually gotten a few important things done this week. I finally paid Siobhan for the skirt I was hoping to get from her back in August. I'm almost done with some important paperwork I needed to send in to Fight Directors Canada for my apprenticeship. I finally got back to the gym last night. Little things eventually add up. Next stop, my 7 goals for this detox!
Realizing this though made me recognize how much I distract myself with what others are doing. As they say in all of your acting classes..."stay in the moment"...and I haven't been. I've been letting all of these extraneous little things take my focus away from the tasks at hand.
I've gotten into the bad habit of watching others and taking my cues from them on how and when to do things. Have you ever had those moments where you feel like everyone else has had a class or read a handbook on how to be a grown up or how to make relationships work or how to get the job that you somehow missed? I feel like that has been me lately. But thinking back now, it might have been like that because I was so focused on what everyone else was doing instead of focusing on improving myself and moving myself forward.
Despite my twitchiness, I've actually gotten a few important things done this week. I finally paid Siobhan for the skirt I was hoping to get from her back in August. I'm almost done with some important paperwork I needed to send in to Fight Directors Canada for my apprenticeship. I finally got back to the gym last night. Little things eventually add up. Next stop, my 7 goals for this detox!
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Day 1 of Detox! I PASSED ALL MY FIGHTS!
So today is the first day of my self imposed Facebook Detox. As of 10am this morning, I deleted facebook on my phone and haven't been on facebook since 12:09am. I may have sent some videos of fights from yesterday through dropbox in facebook messages, but have been trying to avoid facebook itself.
Speaking of fights....PASSED ALL OF MY FIGHTS YESTERDAY!
The way the SAFD works is that you can fail, get a basic pass, or get a recommended pass. There are a bunch of various ways you can fail a fight test...actually hit your partner, sword point go across your partner's facial plain, weapon going across the line of death into the audience, those kinds of things.
To get a basic pass, you demonstrate you have learned and can perform a fight with that weapons style safely and accurately. There is room for improvement with the acting of the fight, but you've at least demonstrated you can handle that weapons style.
To get a recommended pass, you have demonstrated high proficiency with that weapons style as well as demonstrating you can "act" the fight. It's not just choreography, it's a fully developed scene. There were high acting stakes and a real sense of danger. As of the most recent rules, this is the highest "grade" you can get with one of these tests.
So with my fights yesterday, I got recommended pass with 5 fights and a high basic pass with 3 fights. The 5 I got recommended for were Unarmed, Singlesword, Knife, Smallsword, and Rapier & Dagger. The 3 I got the basic passes on were Longsword, Quarterstaff and Sword and Shield. If memory serves, Longsword was a borderline test between basic and recommended. If we had pushed the tempo and stakes up a little more I think we might have gotten the recommended. For sword and shield, the beginning was a bit under tempo and there were some things that didn't line up for the audience. With Quarterstaff, we both had some goofs on choreography so that didn't help us. So I know now some things I need to work on. But I GREATLY want to thank all of my partners from yesterday. Jacqueline Holloway, Oliver Donahue, Lauren (Ren) Williams, Martin Boresma, and Kathryn Roper. And thank you SO SO SO much to Ian Rose for dealing with all of this craziness and giving us the guidance all along the way!
Now, it's recovering from this week of craziness. Sore muscles treatments and bruise reduction is the name of the game now. My thing is that I bruise like a peach, so for the next two weeks you will not see my forearms. (Last thing I want to hear ever with my bruises from stage combat is "Do we need to call someone for you? You don't have to stay with him".) But in the coming days, you will see the videos of these fights on my Youtube channel: TJMPhilly.
For tonight, I wanted to reflect on what it's been like to not be on Facebook for the first 24 hours, but seeing as how I've slept most of the day, kinda not much to say. So for now, off to another hot soak, uploading videos and being with my family before going back to work tomorrow. Tomorrow night in class (yes, jumping right back into Monday night classes) we're doing some Rapier and companion weapons, so excited to use my new cloak for the first time...thank you Siobhan Richardson! I will have money for you soon for the skirt! Also have registered for the Winter Wonderland Workshop in Chicago and will be buying my plane ticket out there soon. Will also be traveling down to the Baltimore area next weekend to see the fight tests for Lewis Shaw's class, also being adjudicated by J. David Brimmer! So some good stuff coming up soon!!
Speaking of fights....PASSED ALL OF MY FIGHTS YESTERDAY!
The way the SAFD works is that you can fail, get a basic pass, or get a recommended pass. There are a bunch of various ways you can fail a fight test...actually hit your partner, sword point go across your partner's facial plain, weapon going across the line of death into the audience, those kinds of things.
To get a basic pass, you demonstrate you have learned and can perform a fight with that weapons style safely and accurately. There is room for improvement with the acting of the fight, but you've at least demonstrated you can handle that weapons style.
To get a recommended pass, you have demonstrated high proficiency with that weapons style as well as demonstrating you can "act" the fight. It's not just choreography, it's a fully developed scene. There were high acting stakes and a real sense of danger. As of the most recent rules, this is the highest "grade" you can get with one of these tests.
So with my fights yesterday, I got recommended pass with 5 fights and a high basic pass with 3 fights. The 5 I got recommended for were Unarmed, Singlesword, Knife, Smallsword, and Rapier & Dagger. The 3 I got the basic passes on were Longsword, Quarterstaff and Sword and Shield. If memory serves, Longsword was a borderline test between basic and recommended. If we had pushed the tempo and stakes up a little more I think we might have gotten the recommended. For sword and shield, the beginning was a bit under tempo and there were some things that didn't line up for the audience. With Quarterstaff, we both had some goofs on choreography so that didn't help us. So I know now some things I need to work on. But I GREATLY want to thank all of my partners from yesterday. Jacqueline Holloway, Oliver Donahue, Lauren (Ren) Williams, Martin Boresma, and Kathryn Roper. And thank you SO SO SO much to Ian Rose for dealing with all of this craziness and giving us the guidance all along the way!
 |
| Practice at this beginning of this week. |
 |
| The Boys having some fun. |
 |
| Night before tests |
 |
| Last kill of the day! |
Now, it's recovering from this week of craziness. Sore muscles treatments and bruise reduction is the name of the game now. My thing is that I bruise like a peach, so for the next two weeks you will not see my forearms. (Last thing I want to hear ever with my bruises from stage combat is "Do we need to call someone for you? You don't have to stay with him".) But in the coming days, you will see the videos of these fights on my Youtube channel: TJMPhilly.
For tonight, I wanted to reflect on what it's been like to not be on Facebook for the first 24 hours, but seeing as how I've slept most of the day, kinda not much to say. So for now, off to another hot soak, uploading videos and being with my family before going back to work tomorrow. Tomorrow night in class (yes, jumping right back into Monday night classes) we're doing some Rapier and companion weapons, so excited to use my new cloak for the first time...thank you Siobhan Richardson! I will have money for you soon for the skirt! Also have registered for the Winter Wonderland Workshop in Chicago and will be buying my plane ticket out there soon. Will also be traveling down to the Baltimore area next weekend to see the fight tests for Lewis Shaw's class, also being adjudicated by J. David Brimmer! So some good stuff coming up soon!!
Monday, December 2, 2013
Perspective is a Saucey Minx...
Perspective is an important part of all of our lives. It allows us to take in the world around us and can be influenced by SOOOO many factors. One event, experienced by two different people could seem ENTIRELY different to both people. There have been hundreds of treaties written about this kind of thing in almost every civilization, and yet for most of us this seems like a daily discovery.
We go about our lives every day. Our brains do what brains do and intake all of the sensory data coming in from our fingers and eyes and hears and such. But since each of our brains process this same data in different ways depending on how we were raised or even depending on what might have happened to us 5 minutes before this specific data was processed, the result could come out hundreds of different ways.
I recently met a coworker who had no sense of smell...she was telling me about an instance with her family on a car trip where she thought she was smelling cookies, but to the rest of the car, the smell was from a skunk. That one deficiency in sensory input drastically changed how she perceived her world.
One of the things that prevents us from colliding with each other on a constant basis from being stuck in our own little worlds would have to be empathy I think. The fact that we have the ability to make observations of each other at rapid speeds, we can tell by the simple change in vocal quality whether someone is sad or upset or happy. Being able to put ourselves in other people's shoes. I guess it could be like being able to see the woods from the trees. Being able to see the bigger picture rather than focusing only on ourselves.
So why am I talking about perspective? Because how we perceive the world changes the way we interact with it. Something we are scared of may only seem scary because we don't have all the data. A child may be scared to go into a dark basement because they think there are monsters or ghosts down there. But once they learn that there are no monsters or ghosts in the dark, the basement doesn't seem so scary. A personal experience may seem lonely because you don't see the other people going through the experience with you. But once you expand you perspective, things don't seem so lonely.
So for me I think something I'm gonna be working on in the next few months will be perspective. Breaking down the things that seem like insurmountable tasks into manageable pieces. Refocusing and realizing that the things I don't think I could do are actually easily doable. I think this is something I've actually realized with this round of fight tests.
I thought trying to do all 8 weapons in one day would be almost impossible and would be asking for failure. But in thinking that, I was discounting my own abilities and the people around me. Now I am down to 1 fight to learn choreography for and one script to fully memorize. Honestly a week before hand I should be just having to practice rather than learn new things, but where I'm at with my training I think I've got this. Plus I have some of the best in the area working with me on the same project and one of the best teachers in the business.
Just like Hamlet says..."for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so".
So with just 6 days left till my Facebook Detox begins, time to start refocusing and closing things out till March.
Monstrous Discrepancies
We go about our lives every day. Our brains do what brains do and intake all of the sensory data coming in from our fingers and eyes and hears and such. But since each of our brains process this same data in different ways depending on how we were raised or even depending on what might have happened to us 5 minutes before this specific data was processed, the result could come out hundreds of different ways.
I recently met a coworker who had no sense of smell...she was telling me about an instance with her family on a car trip where she thought she was smelling cookies, but to the rest of the car, the smell was from a skunk. That one deficiency in sensory input drastically changed how she perceived her world.
One of the things that prevents us from colliding with each other on a constant basis from being stuck in our own little worlds would have to be empathy I think. The fact that we have the ability to make observations of each other at rapid speeds, we can tell by the simple change in vocal quality whether someone is sad or upset or happy. Being able to put ourselves in other people's shoes. I guess it could be like being able to see the woods from the trees. Being able to see the bigger picture rather than focusing only on ourselves.
So why am I talking about perspective? Because how we perceive the world changes the way we interact with it. Something we are scared of may only seem scary because we don't have all the data. A child may be scared to go into a dark basement because they think there are monsters or ghosts down there. But once they learn that there are no monsters or ghosts in the dark, the basement doesn't seem so scary. A personal experience may seem lonely because you don't see the other people going through the experience with you. But once you expand you perspective, things don't seem so lonely.
So for me I think something I'm gonna be working on in the next few months will be perspective. Breaking down the things that seem like insurmountable tasks into manageable pieces. Refocusing and realizing that the things I don't think I could do are actually easily doable. I think this is something I've actually realized with this round of fight tests.
I thought trying to do all 8 weapons in one day would be almost impossible and would be asking for failure. But in thinking that, I was discounting my own abilities and the people around me. Now I am down to 1 fight to learn choreography for and one script to fully memorize. Honestly a week before hand I should be just having to practice rather than learn new things, but where I'm at with my training I think I've got this. Plus I have some of the best in the area working with me on the same project and one of the best teachers in the business.
Just like Hamlet says..."for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so".
So with just 6 days left till my Facebook Detox begins, time to start refocusing and closing things out till March.
Monstrous Discrepancies
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Countdown going critical!
So getting down to roughly 10 days left till I start my detox. And certainly feeling the crunch. In more ways than one.
The first way is feeding off that "need" to use facebook as communication. Getting this feeling like if I stay on long enough, this person or that person might wanna chat. Disregarding the fact that I have other things to do or that it's 12:30 at night. Thank you to my sister Katie for basically kicking my butt off of Facebook last night.
It's also counting down the days till the next round of fight tests. In this next round, I'll be attempting to test in all 8 weapons tested by the Society of American Fight Directors. This includes unarmed, singlesword, rapier and dagger, quarterstaff, longsword, smallsword, broadsword and shield, and knife. That will be 8 different choreographed fights with scenes which is usually crazy to do all at once. 3 or 4 is usually a big amount. 5 or 6 is being an over achiever. 8 is insanity. Not just for the person testing, but for their partners, the teacher choreographing these fights, and for the adjudicator judging the scenes. And there are 4 of us trying to pull this off this time around.
So if I forget to say it between now and test day, thank you to Ian Rose for dealing with this craziness and choreographing all these fights. Thank you to Oliver Donahue, Jacqueline Holloway, Martin Boresma, Laren Williams and Kathryn Roper for partnering with me in this craziness. And thank you to J. David Brimmer for when you see these fights.
This experience has also brought to the fore front the all of the issues with me still living in New Jersey with my folks. Because all of my partners are in Philly, they have an easier time getting together to practice. Because I work 8-4:30 5 days a week and I have to drive 30-45 mins just to get into the city, I can't practice any time of the day. Because most theatres rehearse during the day, I have a harder time being involved with a production. I could go on and on with this, but no need to make anyone else nauseous from all the complaining. Long story short is that I need to move out of my folk's house and out of Jersey. The question now is where to move.
All of this being said, these are just different reasons why I think I use Facebook as an escape or a distraction. When you don't let yourself think about the things that seem tough, you don't really find out what you can handle. You end up pushing things to the back of your mind. "Oh I'll worry about that tomorrow..." the motto of the procrastinators of the world. And all who've known me for long enough know how much of a procrastinator I am. Hence why I need to take this break from Facebook...don't give myself the distraction and the things that seem tough are forced to the forefront. Time to focus on moving myself forward instead on what everyone else around me is doing.
And mentioning it because I don't just want to focus on the negative, here are some good things I've been doing. I saved some of the money I made from those film shoots and recently deposited them so I can pay for a fight skirt made by Siobhan Richardson from Toronto. I plan on paying for my registration for the Winter Wonderland Workshop within the next week or so. I believe I recently got hired to teach a Saturday drama class for the international students attending the New Jersey United Christian Academy. The film shoot I mentioned is with a production called "Philadelphia: The Great Experiment" filmed by History Making Productions. With that production, I got cast as a principle actor in the role of Armagott Printz.
So good things are happening. It's not all doom and gloom. But those good things do not discount the need for things to change. So, in the next 10 days, Facebook is for coordination for the upcoming fight tests. Once those tests are done, it's off facebook till March. Still makes me nervouse, but I know this is something that needs to change. Only way to move forward right now it seems.
COUNTDOWN TO FACEBOOK DETOX-- 10 Days.
The first way is feeding off that "need" to use facebook as communication. Getting this feeling like if I stay on long enough, this person or that person might wanna chat. Disregarding the fact that I have other things to do or that it's 12:30 at night. Thank you to my sister Katie for basically kicking my butt off of Facebook last night.
It's also counting down the days till the next round of fight tests. In this next round, I'll be attempting to test in all 8 weapons tested by the Society of American Fight Directors. This includes unarmed, singlesword, rapier and dagger, quarterstaff, longsword, smallsword, broadsword and shield, and knife. That will be 8 different choreographed fights with scenes which is usually crazy to do all at once. 3 or 4 is usually a big amount. 5 or 6 is being an over achiever. 8 is insanity. Not just for the person testing, but for their partners, the teacher choreographing these fights, and for the adjudicator judging the scenes. And there are 4 of us trying to pull this off this time around.
So if I forget to say it between now and test day, thank you to Ian Rose for dealing with this craziness and choreographing all these fights. Thank you to Oliver Donahue, Jacqueline Holloway, Martin Boresma, Laren Williams and Kathryn Roper for partnering with me in this craziness. And thank you to J. David Brimmer for when you see these fights.
This experience has also brought to the fore front the all of the issues with me still living in New Jersey with my folks. Because all of my partners are in Philly, they have an easier time getting together to practice. Because I work 8-4:30 5 days a week and I have to drive 30-45 mins just to get into the city, I can't practice any time of the day. Because most theatres rehearse during the day, I have a harder time being involved with a production. I could go on and on with this, but no need to make anyone else nauseous from all the complaining. Long story short is that I need to move out of my folk's house and out of Jersey. The question now is where to move.
All of this being said, these are just different reasons why I think I use Facebook as an escape or a distraction. When you don't let yourself think about the things that seem tough, you don't really find out what you can handle. You end up pushing things to the back of your mind. "Oh I'll worry about that tomorrow..." the motto of the procrastinators of the world. And all who've known me for long enough know how much of a procrastinator I am. Hence why I need to take this break from Facebook...don't give myself the distraction and the things that seem tough are forced to the forefront. Time to focus on moving myself forward instead on what everyone else around me is doing.
And mentioning it because I don't just want to focus on the negative, here are some good things I've been doing. I saved some of the money I made from those film shoots and recently deposited them so I can pay for a fight skirt made by Siobhan Richardson from Toronto. I plan on paying for my registration for the Winter Wonderland Workshop within the next week or so. I believe I recently got hired to teach a Saturday drama class for the international students attending the New Jersey United Christian Academy. The film shoot I mentioned is with a production called "Philadelphia: The Great Experiment" filmed by History Making Productions. With that production, I got cast as a principle actor in the role of Armagott Printz.
So good things are happening. It's not all doom and gloom. But those good things do not discount the need for things to change. So, in the next 10 days, Facebook is for coordination for the upcoming fight tests. Once those tests are done, it's off facebook till March. Still makes me nervouse, but I know this is something that needs to change. Only way to move forward right now it seems.
COUNTDOWN TO FACEBOOK DETOX-- 10 Days.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Making Friends with Fear and Failure...
So it's been roughly about a week since I made the decision to ween myself down and eventually take a break from Facebook...and the weening has not been going well. I think part of me is anticipating the eventual withdrawl and wanting to amp up the Facebook time. Even now, I have a Facebook tab open and I keep glancing at it to see if any new notifications pop up.
But if I hadn't been on Facebook this morning I would not have found this great link.
Make friends with Failure
It's a comic strip from this artist who does motivational comics. I have a feeling I will be reading through these a lot in the coming months.
But this one in particular caught my eye this morning. I had just been talking about this with a co-worker who has been helping me a lot lately. Talking to her about how I'm pretty sure one of my biggest sticking points has been fear of failing. Fear that I'll be broke. Fear that I'll disappoint the ones I love. Fear that I will not live up to the expectations and asperations I've set for myself. And then my co-worker said something I really really liked...
FEAR stands for "False Evidence Appearing Real".
And that really got me thinking this morning.
What am I truely scared of? I'm sure there are MANY more things I'm scared of, but here are three of hte first things that popped into my head...
1). Scared that I will fail with money.
-one of the reasons I am going to work on making and sticking to a budget for the next few months. In the past when I wasn't so experienced with money and the day to day expenses, I was not good with money in the slightest. I always looked at the short term and even today, I feel like I've already planned what I want to buy with my next three paychecks instead of actually sitting and looking at what I can afford to buy at the time. I've been stuck on the instant gratification of buying something new that what I need to save for usually gets pushed to the side. So where is the "false evidence" here?
What I need to recognize is that in the past few years I've gotten slowly better with money and saving. I need to stop focusing on my past failings and focus on the good things I've done. I was able to save (with the help of family and friends generous donations) the money it took for me to go to the Fight Directors Canada National workshop in June 2012 along with the airfare and lodging costs. I saved for the cost of food, transportation, and even for some gifts for family. That was the first big trip I pretty much organized on my own to another country. Could I have done that my first year out of college? Probably not.
So I need to recognize that I have grown, and still have growing left to do. I can't let any more slip ups with money curb me from my final goal of living on my own and sustaining myself. You fall off the horse, you gotta get back up and try again, right? If I plan and am proactive with my budget, I can be ready for anything.
Now it's time to stop talking about that and put that sentiment into action. :-P
2.) Scared that I will disappoint the ones I love.
I've always hated that look and sound of disappointment from my parents and the mentors in my life. Almost breaks your heart. But this should be an easy one to get over.
What they will really be disappointed in me for will be NOT doing anything. The people who care about me the most really just want me to live my life and be happy. The ones who care what I do, how I do it, or how successful I am really shouldn't matter. So in the end with this one, where I am stuck right now is probably disappointing the people I care about more than if I actually tried something and dropped the ball.
3.) Scared I will not live up to my own expectations.
We all know the phrase "you are your own worst critic". Well, I am horrible with myself. I am somehow able to always find a flaw or a justification or reason why whatever I did or however I looked was not my best. I have my shining days where I actually give myself credit, but those tend to be few and far between.
I think what's not sinking in is the fact that my expectations and assperations for where my life is going don't have to be set in stone. If I'm open to possibility, who knows where life can take me. That kind of wide open option can be frightening too,... fear of the unknown. But how do you know what you can handle until you've tried.
And what are the expectations for myself based on? I think a lot of them have come from the perseved expectaitons of those around me, how what I want to do should be done. That by a certain age I should have already been married, or had a kid, or gotten my Masters, or gotten to this point in my career. Why should those perseved expectaitons rule how I live my life day to day, or year to year?
And why should I be stuck with one goal to have expectations for? What I've learned and where I've been has given me such a toolbox of tricks and skills that I should be able to mold into various possible tracks for my life to move on. And who says those tracks need to be isolated? Why can't I move from track to track?
There is a gentleman on Youtube who's channel is called ZeFrank who has become kind of a thing and his one video "An Invocation for Beginnings" has stuck with me. An Invocaiton for Beginnings
As many times as I listen to this video, it brings comfort, but I don't feel like what he is saying has entirly sunk in. I think that will take MANY more viewings and much more time.
Here is a transcript for the video:
Don't call it a comeback, I'll have hair for years.
I'm scared. I'm scared that my abilities are gone. I'm scared that I'm going to fuck this up, and I'm scared of you.
I don't wanna' start, but I will.
This is an invocation for anyone who hasn't begun, whose stuck in a terrible place between 0 and 1.
------
Let me realize that my past failures at follow through are no indication of my future performance, their just healthy little fires that are gonna' warm up my ass.
If my FILDI* is strong let me keep him in a velvet box until I really really need him.
If my FILDI* is weak let me feed him oranges and not let him gorge himself on ego and arrogance.
Let me not hit up my Facebook like it's a crack-pipe, keep the browser closed.
If I catch myself wearing a tutu (too), too fat too late too old, let me shake it off like a donkey would shake off something it doesn't like.
When I get that feeling in my stomach, you know that feeling when all of a sudden you get a ball of energy and it shoots down into your legs and up into your arms and tells you to get up and stand up and go to the refrigerator and get a cheese sandwich - that's my cheese monster talking. And my cheese monster will never be satisfied by cheddar, only the cheese of accomplishment.
Let me think about the people that I care about the most. And how when they fail or disappoint me I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them - let me extend that generosity to myself.
Let me find and use metaphors to help me understand the world around me, and give me the strength to get rid of them when it's apparent that they no longer work.
Let me thank the parts of me that I don't understand or are outside of my
control, like my creativity and my courage. And let me remember that my courage is a wild dog, it won't just come when I call it. I have to chase it down and hold on as tight as I can.
Let me not be so vain to think that I am the sole author of my victories, and a victim of my defeats.
Let me remember that the unintended meaning that people project on what I do is neither my fault, nor something that I can take credit for.
Perfectionism may look good in his shiny shoes, but he's a little bit of an asshole and nobody invites him to their pool parties.
Let me remember that the impact of criticism is often not the intent of the critic, but when the intent is evil that's what the block button is for.
And when I eat my critique, let me be able to separate out the good advice from the bitter herbs.
Let me not think of my work only as a stepping stone to something else, and if it is let me become fascinated by the shape of the stone.
Let me take the idea that has gotten me this far, and put it to bed. What I'm about to do will not be that. But it will be something.
There's no need to sharpen my pencils anymore, my pencils are sharp enough - even the dull ones will make a mark.
Warts and all. Let's start this shit up.
And god let me enjoy this, life isn't just a sequence of waiting for things to be done.
-----
* FILDI = Fuck it let's do it.
This is a video I really want to internalize and incorperate into my every day life.
So whenever I get scared I'm going to fail...I want to look back at this post and remind myself that if I DON'T fail, I don't learn how to really try again and get better. Seeing how people come back from failure tells you alot about who they are as a person...so I need to find out who I am as a person and see how I bounce back from failure...
COUNTDOWN T-18 days till Facebook detox starts!
Monday, November 18, 2013
Being Strangled by Comfort....
It's been an interesting few days as I try and start weening myself off Facebook. It's been sort of freeing and sort of frustrating at the same time. But for now, here are my thoughts for today...:
So for the longest time, I've been trying to figure out why I've been stuck in the same place for 4+ years. Still stuck in my parent's basement, still stuck at the same job, and stuck in the same routine year after year.
I've told myself many a time that I need out, I NEED OUT, I HAVE TO GET OUT FOR MY OWN SANITY....yet I'm still here. Why?
Candidly speaking, not figuring this out I believe this is one of the reasons I lost several friends and long term relationship. But I will go into those in another post.
I'm still at a job where I am under utilized, I can't stand my co-workers a lot of the time (they have their shining moments of clarity), and it's mind numbing. It keeps me from doing the things I really want to move forward with, and I am stuck running in this hamster wheel until I'm blue in the face.
Then there are days where my co-workers are semi to mostly friendly. Days where I get to talk to soldiers from all over the country with varying experiences that expand my perception of things. Where I can help soldiers find what they need for their families, and have those glorious moments where soldiers come back from deployment and remember you a year later and tell you "Thank You, the resources you gave me helped my family get through this past year".
So I've adapted. I find ways to focus on the little joys in my everyday to help me handle my frustrations with where I work. It's safe. It's routine. It's comfortable and familiar.
I also have a love/hate relationship with money, which probably comes at no surprise to those who know me and I'm sure most if not all of us can say this. My problem is I don't really know what to do with it. I've been told how to budget PLENTY of times by VARIOUS and NUMEROUS people, and yet I'm still not sure how much of any of that has sunk in. At my job I get a steady paycheck which comes twice a week, so I KNOW I have money. It doesn't last long, but it gets me from paycheck to paycheck.
And there it is...paycheck to paycheck. I forget to put money away in savings because I think well, what if something comes up, like car repairs or something with friends. I don't get disciplined with it because I never prepare for things like that, I only react. So I pay the bills I have and don't write anything down to track my spending because I'm not strict with myself on it. "It takes too long.." I'll think. SO when it comes time to try and create a budget, I guesstimate on most of the numbers and give up after a while when those numbers don't work. I get so black and white about things that I don't give myself the chance to get back up and try again.
There was a period of time when I was at my SM internship and I was making a VERY small amount a week in my stipend. There were a bunch of times where I would be in line at a Wawa or the grocery store and my debit card would come up with that frightening two words... "Insufficient Funds".
The guilt and shame I would feel after that was horrible and I swore to myself I would never feel that again. I've gotten better over the years, but honestly I've gotten to a "comfortable" plateau. I'm not getting any better with money or worse with money at this point. And I think I'm scared of changing where I'm at because I don't want to go back to that.
So to sum things up, I've developed this comfort level with my job because it provides a stable income and I've been able to find the good in what I do and allowed it to outweigh my need to get out. All the mean while I'm slowly suffocating inside with the "day to day" and not focusing on what my passion really is. My day job is my "Job", not my "career". And I am so scared of the thought of failing with money that it has reinforced that wall around my comfort zone to the point where I couldn't really see the way out. Until recently...
I recently got introduced to this blog called Trust Me, I've Been There.... Written by this 26 year old NYC Actress who relocated to Hawaii (still reading it to understand why the move). She started it writing about her eating disorder and the negative body image she had developed while being an actress and dancer in NYC for 10 years. But she has been working on making herself healthy not only physically but mentally in Hawaii. If you get a chance to read it, I highly recommend.
It made me really look at what I use as an escape, and one of the biggest things was Facebook. I would troll through the newsfeed and see what was the latest and greatest thing on the web according to what people posted. I would be uplifted by great stories and funny/cute videos of cats or dogs doing silly things. I would find out what was going on in the world from news articles posted by the politically minded friends of mine. I would let this distract me from the things I really needed to get done.
I also remember for some reason this idea that if I want to break out of a routine sometimes you need a drastic change to really kick your butt in a different direction. Not sure why I remember that or where it's from, but I'm starting to understand it more and more. It's like jumping into the deep end of a swimming cool on one of those summer days where the water is just SOOO cold that it hurts. You just need to jump in and trust yourself that you know how to swim.
I think this is what I need to do in the next few months. I need to step out of my comfort zone and take those big leaps and trust that I'll know how to handle things and adapt.
There are two sayings that have been bouncing through my head the last few days: 1) Discipline is just choosing between what you want NOW and what you want MOST. 2) Life begins beyond your comfort zone. I think what hit me most about that first one was the fact that even now, I'm still figuring out what I want MOST. So I need to stop talking about what I need to do and just do it. Stop thinking about what I want most and just trust my instincts to guide me in the right direction.
I need to get UNCOMFORTABLE, learn how to adapt to that, and stop putting off what I really want most. Because we only get so much time to do the things we love,...why waste it?
COUNTDOWN T-19 DAYS TILL FACEBOOK DETOX.
So for the longest time, I've been trying to figure out why I've been stuck in the same place for 4+ years. Still stuck in my parent's basement, still stuck at the same job, and stuck in the same routine year after year.
I've told myself many a time that I need out, I NEED OUT, I HAVE TO GET OUT FOR MY OWN SANITY....yet I'm still here. Why?
Candidly speaking, not figuring this out I believe this is one of the reasons I lost several friends and long term relationship. But I will go into those in another post.
I'm still at a job where I am under utilized, I can't stand my co-workers a lot of the time (they have their shining moments of clarity), and it's mind numbing. It keeps me from doing the things I really want to move forward with, and I am stuck running in this hamster wheel until I'm blue in the face.
Then there are days where my co-workers are semi to mostly friendly. Days where I get to talk to soldiers from all over the country with varying experiences that expand my perception of things. Where I can help soldiers find what they need for their families, and have those glorious moments where soldiers come back from deployment and remember you a year later and tell you "Thank You, the resources you gave me helped my family get through this past year".
So I've adapted. I find ways to focus on the little joys in my everyday to help me handle my frustrations with where I work. It's safe. It's routine. It's comfortable and familiar.
I also have a love/hate relationship with money, which probably comes at no surprise to those who know me and I'm sure most if not all of us can say this. My problem is I don't really know what to do with it. I've been told how to budget PLENTY of times by VARIOUS and NUMEROUS people, and yet I'm still not sure how much of any of that has sunk in. At my job I get a steady paycheck which comes twice a week, so I KNOW I have money. It doesn't last long, but it gets me from paycheck to paycheck.
And there it is...paycheck to paycheck. I forget to put money away in savings because I think well, what if something comes up, like car repairs or something with friends. I don't get disciplined with it because I never prepare for things like that, I only react. So I pay the bills I have and don't write anything down to track my spending because I'm not strict with myself on it. "It takes too long.." I'll think. SO when it comes time to try and create a budget, I guesstimate on most of the numbers and give up after a while when those numbers don't work. I get so black and white about things that I don't give myself the chance to get back up and try again.
There was a period of time when I was at my SM internship and I was making a VERY small amount a week in my stipend. There were a bunch of times where I would be in line at a Wawa or the grocery store and my debit card would come up with that frightening two words... "Insufficient Funds".
The guilt and shame I would feel after that was horrible and I swore to myself I would never feel that again. I've gotten better over the years, but honestly I've gotten to a "comfortable" plateau. I'm not getting any better with money or worse with money at this point. And I think I'm scared of changing where I'm at because I don't want to go back to that.
So to sum things up, I've developed this comfort level with my job because it provides a stable income and I've been able to find the good in what I do and allowed it to outweigh my need to get out. All the mean while I'm slowly suffocating inside with the "day to day" and not focusing on what my passion really is. My day job is my "Job", not my "career". And I am so scared of the thought of failing with money that it has reinforced that wall around my comfort zone to the point where I couldn't really see the way out. Until recently...
I recently got introduced to this blog called Trust Me, I've Been There.... Written by this 26 year old NYC Actress who relocated to Hawaii (still reading it to understand why the move). She started it writing about her eating disorder and the negative body image she had developed while being an actress and dancer in NYC for 10 years. But she has been working on making herself healthy not only physically but mentally in Hawaii. If you get a chance to read it, I highly recommend.
It made me really look at what I use as an escape, and one of the biggest things was Facebook. I would troll through the newsfeed and see what was the latest and greatest thing on the web according to what people posted. I would be uplifted by great stories and funny/cute videos of cats or dogs doing silly things. I would find out what was going on in the world from news articles posted by the politically minded friends of mine. I would let this distract me from the things I really needed to get done.
I also remember for some reason this idea that if I want to break out of a routine sometimes you need a drastic change to really kick your butt in a different direction. Not sure why I remember that or where it's from, but I'm starting to understand it more and more. It's like jumping into the deep end of a swimming cool on one of those summer days where the water is just SOOO cold that it hurts. You just need to jump in and trust yourself that you know how to swim.
I think this is what I need to do in the next few months. I need to step out of my comfort zone and take those big leaps and trust that I'll know how to handle things and adapt.
There are two sayings that have been bouncing through my head the last few days: 1) Discipline is just choosing between what you want NOW and what you want MOST. 2) Life begins beyond your comfort zone. I think what hit me most about that first one was the fact that even now, I'm still figuring out what I want MOST. So I need to stop talking about what I need to do and just do it. Stop thinking about what I want most and just trust my instincts to guide me in the right direction.
I need to get UNCOMFORTABLE, learn how to adapt to that, and stop putting off what I really want most. Because we only get so much time to do the things we love,...why waste it?
COUNTDOWN T-19 DAYS TILL FACEBOOK DETOX.
Thursday, November 14, 2013
Hi...My Name is Terri and I'm a Facebook Addict...
So I recently decided to detox myself from Facebook for a while...90 days to be exact. From December 8th to March 8th. Recognized how stuck on Facebook I was.
Been active on there since 2005, when it first came to Arcadia University and the options on there were posting pictures, Poking people and WAY before the newsfeed became such a thing. It was a way to reconnect with classmates and old high school friends and create albums that chronicled your time in college.
Once it was opened to the public, it became a way to connect with family, follow your favorite celebrities, play games with friends and get almost up to the minute updates about how the world was doing. Messaging became more like chatting with someone, and it became a way to network professionally.
I'm not saying Facebook is a good or bad thing...I'm saying my personal reliance on it has become a not so good thing.
A friend of mine (and I can say friend in the true sense of the word since I know this person outside of facebook) once stated it outright, but I had seen it and heard it a bunch of other places. Our online profile has become where we put the best possible version of ourselves out there. We clean up and craft our profiles just right to hide any possible character flaws that we may see. We post our opinions on there about world events as if putting it on Facebook is going to put it right in view of all of the big wigs in Washington. We post funny videos because we want to share them with friends, yet some of the time we're even in the same room with these people. A lot of people have gotten to the point where we actually get depressed or anxious when what we post doesn't get the attention we hoped it would.
I've gotten to the point where it will actually bug me until I find out how many "likes" or comments I've gotten on a particular post. Even as I write this, I keep wanting to open another tab on my window just to check my notifications or messages. And I've realized that this obsessive tick has actually distracted me so much that there have been days at work where I get nothing done because I obsessively continue to check Facebook. I will stay up till quite late at night, lying in bed, absentmindedly scrolling through the newsfeed to see what I might have missed in the last 20 mins. This is not a good thing. Not when I'm 27 and still living in my parent's basement.
So I'm giving myself this challenge.
Come the end of the day on December 7th, 2013, I will be doing the following:
1. Stay off Facebook for 90 days.
--(90 from Dec 8th is March 8th...just in time for my birthday on the 12th!)
2. Actually sitting down and reading this stack of books I've had building up for years.
3. Making sure I get to the gym at least twice a week
4. Get to sleep at a decent time
------ (11:30, midnight ain't cutting it anymore)
5. Manage my money better
-----(Terri! Check out www.bettermoneyhabits.com)
6. Continue looking for new job and new place to live
7. Clean out all the material crap that has built up over the years.
-----(For some reason I have a hard time getting rid of things.
Not full blown hoarder, but mild pack rat.
But that stuff builds up and it's time to clear out the clutter)
I think 7 tasks is a good number...keep it a lucky number...*shrug*
My biggest obstacle with staying off Facebook will be at work. Working at a day job where I sit in front of a computer all day, bored out of my mind with the data entry stuff, will drive me up a wall wanting to distract myself with what's going on with Facebook. But I need to remind myself that work comes first. I could be doing plenty of other things too, like looking for jobs or apartments or reading scripts or anything else.
So this is my challenge to myself for the Christmas season then New Years then into Valentines Day. My hope is by my 28th birthday in March, I will be in a new living situation with a new job, and well on my way to saving for the many places I want to go to in the next few years. More on that in future posts. For now, signing off.
OFFICIALLY T-24 DAYS AND COUNTING TILL FACEBOOK GOES DARK. (for me at least :-P)
Been active on there since 2005, when it first came to Arcadia University and the options on there were posting pictures, Poking people and WAY before the newsfeed became such a thing. It was a way to reconnect with classmates and old high school friends and create albums that chronicled your time in college.
Once it was opened to the public, it became a way to connect with family, follow your favorite celebrities, play games with friends and get almost up to the minute updates about how the world was doing. Messaging became more like chatting with someone, and it became a way to network professionally.
I'm not saying Facebook is a good or bad thing...I'm saying my personal reliance on it has become a not so good thing.
A friend of mine (and I can say friend in the true sense of the word since I know this person outside of facebook) once stated it outright, but I had seen it and heard it a bunch of other places. Our online profile has become where we put the best possible version of ourselves out there. We clean up and craft our profiles just right to hide any possible character flaws that we may see. We post our opinions on there about world events as if putting it on Facebook is going to put it right in view of all of the big wigs in Washington. We post funny videos because we want to share them with friends, yet some of the time we're even in the same room with these people. A lot of people have gotten to the point where we actually get depressed or anxious when what we post doesn't get the attention we hoped it would.
I've gotten to the point where it will actually bug me until I find out how many "likes" or comments I've gotten on a particular post. Even as I write this, I keep wanting to open another tab on my window just to check my notifications or messages. And I've realized that this obsessive tick has actually distracted me so much that there have been days at work where I get nothing done because I obsessively continue to check Facebook. I will stay up till quite late at night, lying in bed, absentmindedly scrolling through the newsfeed to see what I might have missed in the last 20 mins. This is not a good thing. Not when I'm 27 and still living in my parent's basement.
So I'm giving myself this challenge.
Come the end of the day on December 7th, 2013, I will be doing the following:
1. Stay off Facebook for 90 days.
--(90 from Dec 8th is March 8th...just in time for my birthday on the 12th!)
2. Actually sitting down and reading this stack of books I've had building up for years.
3. Making sure I get to the gym at least twice a week
4. Get to sleep at a decent time
------ (11:30, midnight ain't cutting it anymore)
5. Manage my money better
-----(Terri! Check out www.bettermoneyhabits.com)
6. Continue looking for new job and new place to live
7. Clean out all the material crap that has built up over the years.
-----(For some reason I have a hard time getting rid of things.
Not full blown hoarder, but mild pack rat.
But that stuff builds up and it's time to clear out the clutter)
I think 7 tasks is a good number...keep it a lucky number...*shrug*
My biggest obstacle with staying off Facebook will be at work. Working at a day job where I sit in front of a computer all day, bored out of my mind with the data entry stuff, will drive me up a wall wanting to distract myself with what's going on with Facebook. But I need to remind myself that work comes first. I could be doing plenty of other things too, like looking for jobs or apartments or reading scripts or anything else.
So this is my challenge to myself for the Christmas season then New Years then into Valentines Day. My hope is by my 28th birthday in March, I will be in a new living situation with a new job, and well on my way to saving for the many places I want to go to in the next few years. More on that in future posts. For now, signing off.
OFFICIALLY T-24 DAYS AND COUNTING TILL FACEBOOK GOES DARK. (for me at least :-P)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)