So it begins...

So today I had the talk with my employer which had been coming for quite a while.

I was denied my leave request for the two weeks of the FDC Nationals. Understandably, since we are looking at a huge surge in numbers and they need all hands on deck. But it's gotten to the point where I need to look at the needs of the company compared to the needs of my own professional development.  They couldn't afford to let anyone have unpaid leave for that long of a time, but I cannot afford not to go.

So as my employer was discussing this with me, I simply put it that because of this denial, I will have to push forward my plans to find other employment. While I am still there, I plan on continuing to give all of my energies to my responsibilities there and I plan on helping whoever steps into my shoes transition in without a hitch.


I've been taking steps towards other forms of employment. I signed up for bar tending classes last week. I began developing my Care.com account and will research the things necessary to become a Nanny. I plan on applying for a local waitress job so I can get more service experience. I know that I am going to have to compile several part time jobs in order to have the flexible schedule I need for this training.

We'll see how this goes.

4 Days from the End--- updates and observations

So I know I've been absent for quite a while from this blog. Don't know if  I can "blame" that on how busy things have been or what.  I can't help but feel like I almost let this blog become one of the many other things I've started and not finished.

Part of me is a little scared to try some other things because I don't want to invest the money and time into something I'm going to do for a week or so and drop like a bad penny. I've wanted to learn how to play the guitar and didn't want to start because I "knew" that if I got a guitar it would just end up in the closet gathering dust. Not sure why I've had this string of things I've started and not followed through with. Not sure if it is a lack of discipline or perhaps something else.

I've been told that if I put something out there so others would know I'm doing it, then I'll have to follow through. I've tried this with various things at some points and once the initial excitement died down, I lost interest myself and allowed the momentum I had gathered to died.  I think I want to take the momentum I've gathered from this experiment and see what other things I can actually finish.

I want to list on here the many things I want to do eventually: (will add to this post as I remember more)
Get better at Archery (I bought myself a bow...25 lb draw, Recurve)
Learn how to ride a horse
Learn how to surf
Make my own movie
Learn how to spin Poi
Be able to do at least one unassisted pull up
Attain a decent level of proficiency with at least one-two practical martial arts
become relatively decent at Parkour
learn tumbling/gymnastics
Run a half marathon

So moving from what I hope to do to what I have been doing. Since my last posting I've been relatively busy.

Professionally:  I'm the fight choreographer for a small indie film called "Written Within", written/directed and produced by Kaylah Fitzgerald in Philadelphia. We had primary shooting in February and will finish up filming in March.  I began teaching Saturday morning drama classes for the international students at the NJ United Christian Academy here in New Jersey. This Saturday will be the 5th day of classes and we are aiming for having the kids perform some scenes for the school come April. I was brought in on a staged reading of Julius Caesar which rehearsed last weekend/week and has Tech/Performance next week. (COME SEE IT! MARCH 14th! AT THE ROTUNDA on 4014 Walnut Street in Philly! $10 at the door! 8pm! I DID THE FIGHTS!) I've been officially hired as one of the 4 Journeymen at this years FDC National Stage Combat Workshop! I'm a member of the 2014 cast for the NJ Ren Faire.

Personally: I signed up for bar tending school last week and start classes on April 7th in the evenings. I'm being given every reason to leave my day job and move into philly, but without having the savings or the transition job to make the jump I still am having difficulty leaving. I haven't made any headway with reducing the amount of crap I have.

 Really trying not to make this into a "LiveJournal" entry where I complain about how sad my life seems. The summer is looking to be really really busy at the day job on Ft. Dix and there is a possibility they may not approve my leave for the time frame of Nationals.  I'm seeing more and more opportunities for fight/theatre jobs on the Philly side of things that aren't a possibility right now with the day job I have.

My friend Ren put it really clearly recently. Everyone says that looking for a new job is a full time job on it's own, right? Well when your already full time job has you depressed and exhausted already, you end up not having the energy to commit to the second full time job of looking for work. SO this is what I'm working against right now with the job search. I am in no way saying that this justifies my lack of search. I think it does give my perspective for now.

The other thing I've been struggling with right now with the lack of Facebook has been the ever increasing feeling of disconnection. Being on my own in Jersey, apart from the connections and people I've developed over the years and without the connection to them through Facebook, it's been hard being in my own skin. Yes, it's given me perspective and motivation, but also it's given me unshakable self consciousness and worry.

I came across the exact example of my worries today. While I was at work today, I really just wanted conversation. Instead of focusing on the mundane data entry, was hoping for conversation to pass the time and distract me from the nagging pain in my back. (Tweeked by back again, not sure how, getting it checked out on Thursday). I sent a few texts to some of the people I've been keeping up with and heard back from a few of them. But most of what I heard was that they were in the middle of getting their own things done or in the middle of their work at the moment and would have to get back to me.

Now I completely understand. Not everyone has a desk job like me and can't sit and chat for a while. People have work to do, so I cannot fault them for getting their work done. I should be getting my work done as well. But more often than not, these are the reasons I refrain from reaching out to others because I often get this kind of response.  People have their lives and I can't fault anyone for that. I also have gotten to the point where many times it feels like I'm forcing conversation. I hate feeling like I'm pulling teeth just to talk to someone. So my thought has lately been, if someone really wants to keep up with me, they will contact me.

So what I need to continue working on is really being OK with "being alone in my own skin". Somehow it always seems like everyone else has this answer I have yet to understand. Being OK with working on your own stuff without being dependent on the input or contact of others. The whole "not giving a shit about what others think" mindset. The youtube "vloger" Ze Frank put it really well in one of his more recent videos I found. On Being Alone

I really think that in the end, the human heart needs to touch another heart or else it dies. But being able to fortify that heart so it is strong enough to stand on it's own and touch many other hearts is a whole other ball game. This is what I hope to do. Find ways to focus on making sure I get done the things I want to get done and if I find people willing to stick with me as I work on those things, they are more than welcome to come on that journey. If they only want to stay for a short stint, I will thank them for the time they've spent with me and wish them well on their way. Maybe this is a trust issue, maybe this is a step in the right direction for me to stand on my own, maybe this is a sign of a bigger issue. Who knows. Ze Frank has another great video I watched recently that hit home on many levels. I think I will end my entry with that video. Why Trust is Worth It.

I have 4 days till the end of my self imposed Facebook Detox. I may hold back on allowing myself to come back to Facebook fully for a while. I may come back gradually. I will admit that I have been periodically checking the notifications to see if there is anything important. The NJ Ren Faire folks put updates on their cast Facebook group and the classes I assist with on Monday night sometimes put important notifications on their page. I have found myself relaxing a little once I've checked it (like an addict feeling at ease once they've finally taken a hit after a dry spell). I need to remember the little things I've learned and habits I've developed over the last 90 days. I will probably be back on at the end of this week to try and recap what those things are and where I go from here. Until then, have a great night folks! 

Day 38--- More than 1/3 through

So last Monday was the 30 day mark. I allowed myself a one day check of facebook and to check in with people. I did feel kind of left out of a lot of things lately because most people depend on facebook to communicate important things to lots of people at once. I also found out that notifications only go back 1 week, even when you click on "see all notifications". So from now on, so I don't miss something important, I'm going to give myself one day a week where I can just jump on once that day and clear out pending notifications. No chat, no posting, no commenting. Just jumping on to see what notifications I have.

On that note, I don't really feel the same need to check it other than the hoping I'm not missing anything important. I know there are some people who still arn't aware of what I'm doing, so they're still sending me event invites and messages. So to them, I am truely sorry for missing the memo.

But unlike before, when it had become apart of my morning ritual of jumping on my computer to check facebook before I went to work, I don't feel like I really NEED it like I use to. I feel like I've become a bit more productive at work without that distraction.

That being said, the need to get on with being an adult it stronger than it has ever been. Jumping in the shower in the morning, and ending up having the rest of the family in the room with me because we only have one bathroom. Not really having a space to myself other than my car. Feeling like I'm a sheep in that cattle shoot as I drive to and from work each day because it's the same thing day in and day out. Things need to change.

Confirming today about the Saturday morning drama class I'll be teaching (whether they still need me). Confirming whether I'll still be assisting Lewis Shaw with his smallsword class on Sundays. Checking in with a producer I worked with on the History Making Productions shoot about possible future production assistant work. Once I rework my resumes, will be sending them to several theatre companies asking them to keep me in mind if they expand their theatre schools or need admin assistants.

I think my biggest question right now is the order in which to do things. I have three main things I need to do: Get a new job, get a new living arrangement, get a new car (my Buick is kind of on it's last leg). Question is which order to do these in. I guess in reality I should be working on all three a little at the same time.

 For now, just putting away as much money as I can spare right now for emergencie and the other things I'm saving for. Putting my feelers out for any job opportunities and actually pursuing them as opposed to what I've done for the last 4 years. Last but not least, I need to get over the whole not being sure about living with someone I don't know (i.e finding a roommate online).

ALSO! Got back from the Winter Wonderland Workshop over the weekend. It was a fantastic time!! My schedule of classes ran as follows :
Fighting Blind with FD Robert "Tink" Tuftee
Fighting for Film with FM David Boushey
3D Characters in a 2D world with FD Christina Traister
Indonisian Martial Arts with FD Robert Macdougall
Stupid Sword Tricks with FM David Woolley
Sword fighting for Film with FM Richard Ryan
Walk Softly and Carry Two Sticks with CT Martin Boresma
Sholin Kicks with FM Michael Chin
Acting with Guns (Police Tactics) with CT Jason Tipsword
Going Down Kicking and Screaming (al la Tae-Kwon-Dale) with FM Dale Girard

Didn't  get any new shinies from Merch night, but got to see what everyone was working on and got to see a lot of people I havent in quite a while. Also got to work on a great Musketeer Melee with Ian and the gang which we filmed on saturday night and can be found on Facebook somewhere I'm sure. To all those I got to see and new friends I made, thank you for a wonderful time!! To the teachers I got to work with for the first time this weekend, thank you for everything and I hope I get to work with you again in the near future!! More from WWW in my next post.

Day 22 of Detox-- Looking more "present" than ever

What defines "strength" in a person? There's the physically strong, the emotionally strong, the ethically strong, etc. But how can you say a person is "strong?

I know that's a weird place to start, kinda outta left field. But not having the distraction of Facebook has certainly forced me to be a bit more "present" than I was in the past few months. Finally sent out that audition email for the 2014 NJ Ren Faire, been getting back to the gym and can consisently do at least a mile now. Might start looking into what it takes to be a Zumba instructor and saving up for that. Looked into the firearm safety classes out on Ft. Dix and came up with the hunting and fishing license class that I'll hopefully be taking in the coming weeks. Took the first step this week in cleaning out some things that I've been holding on to for various sentimental reasons. Will be starting teaching a Saturday morning drama class to the international students at the NJ United Christian Academy after I get back from Chicago. I also believe after Chicago, I'll be heading down to the Baltimore area each Sunday to have some fun with Lewis Shaw in his smallsword class. 

SO, getting a lot done and started. But even more so, (and at the risk of sounding like a "LiveJournal/Myspace" entry), I've been paying more attention to myself lately. It's not been a nice thing. But when is it ever nice to look at your faults? Been feeling more disconnected than usual lately. Been really REALLY tempted to jump back on FB, but luckly I've been checking in with a friend every time it's really bad.

People who are trying to quit an addiction usually have some kind of support system, or even just someone who helps them stay on track. Someone they can call or text whenever they have a urge to cheat. Adele Rylands has been a great help in this respect. I'll be really bumming and I'll shoot her a text or email and almost immediately she'll shoot back with a bit of encouragement. So big thanks to Adele!

But even with that, Philly and NYC have never really felt farther. Starting to look around the house and in moments here or there, this place is slowly feeling less like my home and more like a place I'm visiting or sleeping over at. And this is a good thing. It's telling me I'm personally really ready to step out and find that place that will feel like MY home instead of my parent's home.

I could go on for a while with the little realizations I've had here or there, musings, epiphanies, etc, but I wanna get back on track with where I started....Strength.

This time off FB has also given me a chance to look at the people around me. We judge people so quickly on their faults, especially since they are so easily seen as compared to our own. But it's that much harder to acknowledge their strengths and give them credit where credit is due.

I look at my brother, who is 20 years old and is High Functioning Autistic. I look at how much the things he does annoy or frustrate me. But then I look at the little things he says sometimes, and how clever and smart they are. How astutely aware of things he is. I look at the little ways he helps out.

I look at a coworker of mine who is 43 and still has some trouble understanding how to use parts of her computer and acts some days like she is still in high school. Some days she asks some of the craziest questions and says some of the most out there things. But then I remind myself she is one of the most generous people I know. If there is a service member who needs help, she would do anything in the world that she can to help them.

Another coworker who is SO overly apologetic that it boarders on frustrating, but has a zeal for life that it's refreshing. Another who is so pig headed and in your face, but is a no bullshit kind of woman and will call you on yours in a second. A fight friend/sister who seems a little flitty at first glance. Talk to her for more than 5 mins and you see this highly dedicated and motivated woman who has such confidence in herself and the people she chooses to associate with even if those people don't have the confidence in themselves. 

Looking at these other people have given me the chance to look at myself in the same way. I recently saw an interview with Tom Hiddleston and he mentioned a bit of advice he was given at one point: "Give yourself permission to succeed."

I know I've heard that from other people at one point or another in my life, but lately I've been internalizing advice like this a bit more readily. But it's so true. I've held myself back at times because I didn't want to step on anyone's toes or stir the pot in a bad way by stepping out. In this field though (performing arts), you have to or else you end up with the audience watching others move forward. Give yourself permission to succeed and take the jumps you need to despite what other may think. Been telling that to myself more often lately and it's gotten me to do a few things I might not have done otherwise. 

So those are my "deep" and intellectual musings for the time being. For now I'm going to focus on the things I need to get done. Working on putting together my new years resolution list and making sure they are things that I will actually make happen this year.

 Also, on a much less productive note, been kinda stuck on Zachary Levi a lot lately. REALLY want to see him in First Date on Broadway and have been catching up on the seasons of "Chuck" available on Netflix. I'll admit I kinda wish I was Agent Sarah Walker,...she's kinda bad ass. LOVE Adam Baldwin's character.  So for now, off to watch more Chuck while I fold laundry and enjoy a nice cup of hot chocolate. :-P

Day 5 of Detox--Beware of substitution

So I need to be careful because I'm can see myself starting to substitute other sites in for what I use to do with Facebook. Twitter is getting familiar. Google+ is even looking appealing. I've got points in the day where I can feel myself getting twitchy, wondering what's going on on my page. You know how they say when someone is trying to quit smoking, they have to relearn how to do everyday things again because they are so use to doing it with a cigarette? I kinda feel like that's me to a point right now. I've gotten into such habits with checking Facebook when I get up in the morning and before I go to bed. When I leave someplace, I'll check it on my phone. Need to rework those habits. Now that I recognize what I'm doing I can stop it before I start. CONSTANT VIGILANCE! :-P

Realizing this though made me recognize how much I distract myself with what others are doing. As they say in all of your acting classes..."stay in the moment"...and I haven't been. I've been letting all of these extraneous little things take my focus away from the tasks at hand.

I've gotten into the bad habit of watching others and taking my cues from them on how and when to do things. Have you ever had those moments where you feel like everyone else has had a class or read a handbook on how to be a grown up or how to make relationships work or how to get the job that you somehow missed? I feel like that has been me lately. But thinking back now, it might have been like that because I was so focused on what everyone else was doing instead of focusing on improving myself and moving myself forward.

Despite my twitchiness, I've actually gotten a few important things done this week. I finally paid Siobhan for the skirt I was hoping to get from her back in August. I'm almost done with some important paperwork I needed to send in to Fight Directors Canada for my apprenticeship. I finally got back to the gym last night. Little things eventually add up. Next stop, my 7 goals for this detox!

Day 1 of Detox! I PASSED ALL MY FIGHTS!

So today is the first day of my self imposed Facebook Detox. As of 10am this morning, I deleted facebook on my phone and haven't been on facebook since 12:09am. I may have sent some videos of fights from yesterday through dropbox in facebook messages, but have been trying to avoid facebook itself.

Speaking of fights....PASSED ALL OF MY FIGHTS YESTERDAY!

 The way the SAFD works is that you can fail, get a basic pass, or get a recommended pass. There are a bunch of various ways you can fail a fight test...actually hit your partner, sword point go across your partner's facial plain, weapon going across the line of death into the audience, those kinds of things.

To get a basic pass, you demonstrate you have learned and can perform a fight with that weapons style safely and accurately. There is room for improvement with the acting of the fight, but you've at least demonstrated you can handle that weapons style.

To get a recommended pass, you have demonstrated high proficiency with that weapons style as well as demonstrating you can "act" the fight. It's not just choreography, it's a fully developed scene. There were high acting stakes and a real sense of danger. As of the most recent rules, this is the highest "grade" you can get with one of these tests.

So with my fights yesterday, I got recommended pass with 5 fights and a high basic pass with 3 fights. The 5 I got recommended for were Unarmed, Singlesword, Knife, Smallsword, and Rapier & Dagger. The 3 I got the basic passes on were Longsword, Quarterstaff and Sword and Shield. If memory serves, Longsword was a borderline test between basic and recommended. If we had pushed the tempo and stakes up a little more I think we might have gotten the recommended. For sword and shield, the beginning was a bit under tempo and there were some things that didn't line up for the audience. With Quarterstaff, we both had some goofs on choreography so that didn't help us. So I know now some things I need to work on.  But I GREATLY want to thank all of my partners from yesterday. Jacqueline Holloway, Oliver Donahue, Lauren (Ren) Williams, Martin Boresma, and Kathryn Roper. And thank you SO SO SO much to Ian Rose for dealing with all of this craziness and giving us the guidance all along the way! 

Practice at this beginning of this week.

The Boys having some fun.

Night before tests

Last kill of the day!

Now, it's recovering from this week of craziness. Sore muscles treatments and bruise reduction is the name of the game now. My thing is that I bruise like a peach, so for the next two weeks you will not see my forearms. (Last thing I want to hear ever with my bruises from stage combat is "Do we need to call someone for you? You don't have to stay with him".) But in the coming days, you will see the videos of these fights on my Youtube channel: TJMPhilly.

For tonight, I wanted to reflect on what it's been like to not be on Facebook for the first 24 hours, but seeing as how I've slept most of the day, kinda not much to say. So for now, off to another hot soak, uploading videos and being with my family before going back to work tomorrow. Tomorrow night in class (yes, jumping right back into Monday night classes) we're doing some Rapier and companion weapons, so excited to use my new cloak for the first time...thank you Siobhan Richardson! I will have money for you soon for the skirt! Also have registered for the Winter Wonderland Workshop in Chicago and will be buying my plane ticket out there soon. Will also be traveling down to the Baltimore area next weekend to see the fight tests for Lewis Shaw's class, also being adjudicated by J. David Brimmer! So some good stuff coming up soon!!

Perspective is a Saucey Minx...

Perspective is an important part of all of our lives. It allows us to take in the world around us and can be influenced by SOOOO many factors. One event, experienced by two different people could seem ENTIRELY different to both people. There have been hundreds of treaties written about this kind of thing in almost every civilization, and yet for most of us this seems like a daily discovery.

We go about our lives every day. Our brains do what brains do and intake all of the sensory data coming in from our fingers and eyes and hears and such. But since each of our brains process this same data in different ways depending on how we were raised or even depending on what might have happened to us 5 minutes before this specific data was processed, the result could come out hundreds of different ways.

I recently met a coworker who had no sense of smell...she was telling me about an instance with her family on a car trip where she thought she was smelling cookies, but to the rest of the car, the smell was from a skunk. That one deficiency in sensory input drastically changed how she perceived her world.

One of the things that prevents us from colliding with each other on a constant basis from being stuck in our own little worlds would have to be empathy I think. The fact that we have the ability to make observations of each other at rapid speeds, we can tell by the simple change in vocal quality whether someone is sad or upset or happy. Being able to put ourselves in other people's shoes. I guess it could be like being able to see the woods from the trees. Being able to see the bigger picture rather than focusing only on ourselves.

So why am I talking about perspective? Because how we perceive the world changes the way we interact with it. Something we are scared of may only seem scary because we don't have all the data. A child may be scared to go into a dark basement because they think there are monsters or ghosts down there. But once they learn that there are no monsters or ghosts in the dark, the basement doesn't seem so scary. A personal experience may seem lonely because you don't see the other people going through the experience with you. But once you expand you perspective, things don't seem so lonely.

So for me I think something I'm gonna be working on in the next few months will be perspective. Breaking down the things that seem like insurmountable tasks into manageable pieces. Refocusing and realizing that the things I don't think I could do are actually easily doable. I think this is something I've actually realized with this round of fight tests.

I thought trying to do all 8 weapons in one day would be almost impossible and would be asking for failure. But in thinking that, I was discounting my own abilities and the people around me. Now I am down to 1 fight to learn choreography for and one script to fully memorize. Honestly a week before hand I should be just having to practice rather than learn new things, but where I'm at with my training I think I've got this. Plus I have some of the best in the area working with me on the same project and one of the best teachers in the business.

Just like Hamlet says..."for there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so".

So with just 6 days left till my Facebook Detox begins, time to start refocusing and closing things out till March.

Monstrous Discrepancies

Countdown going critical!

So getting down to roughly 10 days left till I start my detox. And certainly feeling the crunch. In more ways than one.

The first way is feeding off that "need" to use facebook as communication. Getting this feeling like if I stay on long enough, this person or that person might wanna chat. Disregarding the fact that I have other things to do or that it's 12:30 at night. Thank you to my sister Katie for basically kicking my butt off of Facebook last night.

It's also counting down the days till the next round of fight tests. In this next round, I'll be attempting to test in all 8 weapons tested by the Society of American Fight Directors. This includes unarmed, singlesword, rapier and dagger, quarterstaff, longsword, smallsword, broadsword and shield, and knife. That will be 8 different choreographed fights with scenes which is usually crazy to do all at once. 3 or 4 is usually a big amount. 5 or 6 is being an over achiever. 8 is insanity. Not just for the person testing, but for their partners, the teacher choreographing these fights, and for the adjudicator judging the scenes. And there are 4 of us trying to pull this off this time around.

So if I forget to say it between now and test day, thank you to Ian Rose for dealing with this craziness and choreographing all these fights. Thank you to Oliver Donahue, Jacqueline Holloway, Martin Boresma, Laren Williams and Kathryn Roper for partnering with me in this craziness. And thank you to J. David Brimmer for when you see these fights.

This experience has also brought to the fore front the all of the issues with me still living in New Jersey with my folks. Because all of my partners are in Philly, they have an easier time getting together to practice. Because I work 8-4:30 5 days a week and I have to drive 30-45 mins just to get into the city, I can't practice any time of the day. Because most theatres rehearse during the day, I have a harder time being involved with a production. I could go on and on with this, but no need to make anyone else nauseous from all the complaining. Long story short is that I need to move out of my folk's house and out of Jersey. The question now is where to move.

All of this being said, these are just different reasons why I think I use Facebook as an escape or a distraction. When you don't let yourself think about the things that seem tough, you don't really find out what you can handle. You end up pushing things to the back of your mind. "Oh I'll worry about that tomorrow..." the motto of the procrastinators of the world. And all who've known me for long enough know how much of a procrastinator I am. Hence why I need to take this break from Facebook...don't give myself the distraction and the things that seem tough are forced to the forefront. Time to focus on moving myself forward instead on what everyone else around me is doing.

And mentioning it because I don't just want to focus on the negative, here are some good things I've been doing. I saved some of the money I made from those film shoots and recently deposited them so I can pay for a fight skirt made by Siobhan Richardson from Toronto. I plan on paying for my registration for the Winter Wonderland Workshop within the next week or so. I believe I recently got hired to teach a Saturday drama class for the international students attending the New Jersey United Christian Academy. The film shoot I mentioned is with a production called "Philadelphia: The Great Experiment" filmed by History Making Productions. With that production, I got cast as a principle actor in the role of Armagott Printz.

So good things are happening. It's not all doom and gloom. But those good things do not discount the need for things to change. So, in the next 10 days, Facebook is for coordination for the upcoming fight tests. Once those tests are done, it's off facebook till March. Still makes me nervouse, but I know this is something that needs to change. Only way to move forward right now it seems.

COUNTDOWN TO FACEBOOK DETOX-- 10 Days.

Making Friends with Fear and Failure...

So it's been roughly about a week since I made the decision to ween myself down and eventually take a break from Facebook...and the weening has not been going well. I think part of me is anticipating the eventual withdrawl and wanting to amp up the Facebook time. Even now, I have a Facebook tab open and I keep glancing at it to see if any new notifications pop up.

But if I hadn't been on Facebook this morning I would not have found this great link.
Make friends with Failure

It's a comic strip from this artist who does motivational comics. I have a feeling I will be reading through these a lot in the coming months.

But this one in particular caught my eye this morning. I had just been talking about this with a co-worker who has been helping me a lot lately. Talking to her about how I'm pretty sure one of my biggest sticking points has been fear of failing. Fear that I'll be broke. Fear that I'll disappoint the ones I love. Fear that I will not live up to the expectations and asperations I've set for myself. And then my co-worker said something I really really liked...

FEAR stands for "False Evidence Appearing Real".

And that really got me thinking this morning.

What am I truely scared of? I'm sure there are MANY more things I'm scared of, but here are three of hte first things that popped into my head...

1). Scared that I will fail with money.
      -one of the reasons I am going to work on making and sticking to a budget for the next few months. In the past when I wasn't so experienced with money and the day to day expenses, I was not good with money in the slightest. I always looked at the short term and even today, I feel like I've already planned what I want to buy with my next three paychecks instead of actually sitting and looking at what I can afford to buy at the time. I've been stuck on the instant gratification of buying something new that what I need to save for usually gets pushed to the side. So where is the "false evidence" here?

What I need to recognize is that in the past few years I've gotten slowly better with money and saving. I need to stop focusing on my past failings and focus on the good things I've done. I was able to save (with the help of family and friends generous donations) the money it took for me to go to the Fight Directors Canada National workshop in June 2012 along with the airfare and lodging costs. I saved for the cost of food, transportation, and even for some gifts for family. That was the first big trip I pretty much organized on my own to another country. Could I have done that my first year out of college? Probably not.

So I need to recognize that I have grown, and still have growing left to do. I can't let any more slip ups with money curb me from my final goal of living on my own and sustaining myself. You fall off the horse, you gotta get back up and try again, right?  If I plan and am proactive with my budget, I can be ready for anything.

 Now it's time to stop talking about that and put that sentiment into action. :-P

2.) Scared that I will disappoint the ones I love.
     I've always hated that look and sound of disappointment from my parents and the mentors in my life. Almost breaks your heart. But this should be an easy one to get over.

What they will really be disappointed in me for will be NOT doing anything.  The people who care about me the most really just want me to live my life and be happy. The ones who care what I do, how I do it, or how successful I am really shouldn't matter. So in the end with this one, where I am stuck right now is probably disappointing the people I care about more than if I actually tried something and dropped the ball.

3.) Scared I will not live up to my own expectations.
      We all know the phrase "you are your own worst critic". Well, I am horrible with myself. I am somehow able to always find a flaw or a justification or reason why whatever I did or however I looked was not my best. I have my shining days where I actually give myself credit, but those tend to be few and far between.

I think what's not sinking in is the fact that my expectations and assperations for where my life is going don't have to be set in stone. If I'm open to possibility, who knows where life can take me. That kind of wide open option can be frightening too,... fear of the unknown. But how do you know what you can handle until you've tried.

And what are the expectations for myself based on? I think a lot of them have come from the perseved expectaitons of those around me, how what I want to do should be done. That by a certain age I should have already been married, or had a kid, or gotten my Masters, or gotten to this point in my career. Why should those perseved expectaitons rule how I live my life day to day, or year to year?

And why should I be stuck with one goal to have expectations for? What I've learned and where I've been has given me such a toolbox of tricks and skills that I should be able to mold into various possible tracks for my life to move on. And who says those tracks need to be isolated? Why can't I move from track to track?

There is a gentleman on Youtube who's channel is called ZeFrank who has become kind of a thing and his one video "An Invocation for Beginnings" has stuck with me.  An Invocaiton for Beginnings

As many times as I listen to this video, it brings comfort, but I don't feel like what he is saying has entirly sunk in. I think that will take MANY more viewings and much more time.

Here is a transcript for the video:
Don't call it a comeback, I'll have hair for years. 

 

I'm scared. I'm scared that my abilities are gone. I'm scared that I'm going to fuck this up, and I'm scared of you. 

 

I don't wanna' start, but I will.

 

This is an invocation for anyone who hasn't begun, whose stuck in a terrible place between 0 and 1.

------

Let me realize that my past failures at follow through are no indication of my future performance, their just healthy little fires that are gonna' warm up my ass. 

 

If my FILDI* is strong let me keep him in a velvet box until I really really need him.

 

If my FILDI* is weak let me feed him oranges and not let him gorge himself on ego and arrogance.

 

Let me not hit up my Facebook like it's a crack-pipe, keep the browser closed.

 

If I catch myself wearing a tutu (too), too fat too late too old, let me shake it off like a donkey would shake off something it doesn't like.

 

When I get that feeling in my stomach, you know that feeling when all of a sudden you get a ball of energy and it shoots down into your legs and up into your arms and tells you to get up and stand up and go to the refrigerator and get a cheese sandwich - that's my cheese monster talking. And my cheese monster will never be satisfied by cheddar, only the cheese of accomplishment. 

 

Let me think about the people that I care about the most. And how when they fail or disappoint me I still love them, I still give them chances, and I still see the best in them - let me extend that generosity to myself.

 

Let me find and use metaphors to help me understand the world around me, and give me the strength to get rid of them when it's apparent that they no longer work.

 

Let me thank the parts of me that I don't understand or are outside of my

control, like my creativity and my courage. And let me remember that my courage is a wild dog, it won't just come when I call it. I have to chase it down and hold on as tight as I can. 

 

Let me not be so vain to think that I am the sole author of my victories, and a victim of my defeats. 

 

Let me remember that the unintended meaning that people project on what I do is neither my fault, nor something that I can take credit for. 

 

Perfectionism may look good in his shiny shoes, but he's a little bit of an asshole and nobody invites him to their pool parties. 

 

Let me remember that the impact of criticism is often not the intent of the critic, but when the intent is evil that's what the block button is for. 

 

And when I eat my critique, let me be able to separate out the good advice from the bitter herbs. 

 

Let me not think of my work only as a stepping stone to something else, and if it is let me become fascinated by the shape of the stone. 

 

Let me take the idea that has gotten me this far, and put it to bed. What I'm about to do will not be that. But it will be something.

 

There's no need to sharpen my pencils anymore, my pencils are sharp enough - even the dull ones will make a mark. 

 

Warts and all. Let's start this shit up. 

 

And god let me enjoy this, life isn't just a sequence of waiting for things to be done.

-----

* FILDI = Fuck it let's do it.

This is a video I really want to internalize and incorperate into my every day life.

So whenever I get scared I'm going to fail...I want to look back at this post and remind myself that if I DON'T fail, I don't learn how to really try again and get better. Seeing how people come back from failure tells you alot about who they are as a person...so I need to find out who I am as a person and see how I bounce back from failure...

COUNTDOWN T-18 days till Facebook detox starts!

Being Strangled by Comfort....

It's been an interesting few days as I try and start weening myself off Facebook. It's been sort of freeing and sort of frustrating at the same time. But for now, here are my thoughts for today...:

So for the longest time, I've been trying to figure out why I've been stuck in the same place for 4+ years. Still stuck in my parent's basement, still stuck at the same job, and stuck in the same routine year after year.

I've told myself many a time that I need out, I NEED OUT, I HAVE TO GET OUT FOR MY OWN SANITY....yet I'm still here. Why?

Candidly speaking, not figuring this out I believe this is one of the reasons I lost several friends and long term relationship. But I will go into those in another post.

I'm still at a job where I am under utilized, I can't stand my co-workers a lot of the time (they have their shining moments of clarity), and it's mind numbing. It keeps me from doing the things I really want to move forward with, and I am stuck running in this hamster wheel until I'm blue in the face.

Then there are days where my co-workers are semi to mostly friendly. Days where I get to talk to soldiers from all over the country with varying experiences that expand my perception of things. Where I can help soldiers find what they need for their families, and have those glorious moments where soldiers come back from deployment and remember you a year later and tell you "Thank You, the resources you gave me helped my family get through this past year".

So I've adapted. I find ways to focus on the little joys in my everyday to help me handle my frustrations with where I work. It's safe. It's routine. It's comfortable and familiar.

I also have a love/hate relationship with money, which probably comes at no surprise to those who know me and I'm sure most if not all of us can say this. My problem is I don't really know what to do with it. I've been told how to budget PLENTY of times by VARIOUS and NUMEROUS people, and yet I'm still not sure how much of any of that has sunk in. At my job I get a steady paycheck which comes twice a week, so I KNOW I have money. It doesn't last long, but it gets me from paycheck to paycheck.

And there it is...paycheck to paycheck. I forget to put money away in savings because I think well, what if something comes up, like car repairs or something with friends. I don't get disciplined with it because I never prepare for things like that, I only react. So I pay the bills I have and don't write anything down to track my spending because I'm not strict with myself on it. "It takes too long.." I'll think.  SO when it comes time to try and create a budget, I guesstimate on most of the numbers and give up after a while when those numbers don't work. I get so black and white about things that I don't give myself the chance to get back up and try again.

There was a period of time when I was at my SM internship and I was making a VERY small amount a week in my stipend. There were a bunch of times where I would be in line at a Wawa or the grocery store and my debit card would come up with that frightening two words... "Insufficient Funds".

The guilt and shame I would feel after that was horrible and I swore to myself I would never feel that again. I've gotten better over the years, but honestly I've gotten to a "comfortable" plateau. I'm not getting any better with money or worse with money at this point. And I think I'm scared of changing where I'm at because I don't want to go back to that.

So to sum things up, I've developed this comfort level with my job because it provides a stable income and I've been able to find the good in what I do and allowed it to outweigh my need to get out. All the mean while I'm slowly suffocating inside with the "day to day" and not focusing on what my passion really is. My day job is my "Job", not my "career". And I am so scared of the thought of failing with money that it has reinforced that wall around my comfort zone to the point where I couldn't really see the way out. Until recently...

I recently got introduced to this blog called Trust Me, I've Been There.... Written by this 26 year old NYC Actress who relocated to Hawaii (still reading it to understand why the move). She started it writing about her eating disorder and the negative body image she had developed while being an actress and dancer in NYC for 10 years. But she has been working on making herself healthy not only physically but mentally in Hawaii. If you get a chance to read it, I highly recommend.

It made me really look at what I use as an escape, and one of the biggest things was Facebook. I would troll through the newsfeed and see what was the latest and greatest thing on the web according to what people posted. I would be uplifted by great stories and funny/cute videos of cats or dogs doing silly things. I would find out what was going on in the world from news articles posted by the politically minded friends of mine. I would let this distract me from the things I really needed to get done.

I also remember for some reason this idea that if I want to break out of a routine sometimes you need a drastic change to really kick your butt in a different direction. Not sure why I remember that or where it's from, but I'm starting to understand it more and more. It's like jumping into the deep end of a swimming cool on one of those summer days where the water is just SOOO cold that it hurts. You just need to jump in and trust yourself that you know how to swim.

I think this is what I need to do in the next few months. I need to step out of my comfort zone and take those big leaps and trust that I'll know how to handle things and adapt.

There are two sayings that have been bouncing through my head the last few days: 1) Discipline is just choosing between what you want NOW and what you want MOST. 2) Life begins beyond your comfort zone.   I think what hit me most about that first one was the fact that even now, I'm still figuring out what I want MOST. So I need to stop talking about what I need to do and just do it. Stop thinking about what I want most and just trust my instincts to guide me in the right direction.

I need to get UNCOMFORTABLE, learn how to adapt to that, and stop putting off what I really want most. Because we only get so much time to do the things we love,...why waste it?



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